Part One: Initiation into the Rites of the Black Hand
A true story from the life of Kyle B. Stiff…
I just had a genius idea today, ya’ll! I’m going to try my hardest to get my high school diploma ANULLED.
1. the act of annulling, esp. the formal declaration that annuls a marriage.
2. a mental process by which unpleasant or painful ideas are abolished from the mind.
It all came about because a lot of people I knew in high school (in rural Kentucky) are starting to get into facebook. A few of them are okay, of course, but usually when they try to friend me I feel like they’re encroaching on “my” territory – the internet. I politely left their territory years ago without breaking anything of real value, so I feel like they should have the sense to stay out of my world. Unreasonable, maybe; necessary for my peace of mind, definitely.
Anyway, now when I come across dullards and buffoons and well-meaning troglodytes from my school days on facebook, it fills me with an intense rage that’s definitely got some age on it. For years now I’ve felt like a coward for not dropping out of high school and just getting a GED. Was I afraid I would instantly become a bum if I dropped out? Would some people be “mad” at me? Why did I put up with something that was completely inhumane and all-around intolerable for SO MANY YEARS when I could have quit at any time WITHOUT REPERCUSSION?!
It drives me crazy thinking about it. It makes me feel ashamed of myself! So here’s what I did. I wrote an email to the current fudge packer who is principal of my old high school and politely asked him if he could help me with an annulment of my high school diploma. He’s going to ignore me, so I’ll keep you guys updated as I continue to email this guy.
One step closer to freedom,
Kyle B. Stiff
Part Two: First Blood Is Drawn in a Vulgar Display of Self-Determination
The continuing story of Kyle B. Stiff’s absurd and just one-man war against the system…
Here’s a copy of the email I sent to the new principal of my old high school. We’ll see if this old dullard can’t take a five minute break from enforcing the status quo through verbal intimidation to help me out a little bit.
Dear Mister Butler,
My name is Kyle B. Stiff and I graduated from BCHS in 1998. Please do not take this personally, as I’m sure my experience would have been much the same in any school, but every day of my experience in grades K through 12 was like a waking nightmare. I’ve come to the conclusion that any human being with any sense can learn the bare essentials of reading, writing, and math within a few short months or a handful of years at most, and the truth about history and the sciences is that a person’s education never ends in regard to those subjects as long as the student is self-motivated. Anything beyond a few months of non-compulsory schooling is clearly an extended “crash course” in obedience and social conformity. Learning how to cope with the inevitable madness that comes from being dominated by a herd probably does take at least a decade, sometimes longer.
The ghosts of dullards, the memory of being trapped alongside well-meaning but dim-witted buffoons, still haunts me to this day. Of course, being one of the “smart” kids, I was too stupid to realize that I could quit at any time with absolutely no negative repercussions. I regret “staying the course” to this day… and I’m thirty years old.
Long story short, I need to free myself of the past, and the only way to do that is have my high school diploma annulled. I need the experience of public education erased from all records. Please, Mister Butler, can you, or someone else at BCHS, help me in this? I would greatly appreciate any help, especially since this is an irregular request. Please believe me when I say that I do not mean to be an annoyance.
– Kyle B. Stiff
For anyone who gives a shit about this sort of thing, here’s a link to my old high school’s ludicrous website. The whole place gives off a “Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job” sort of American strip-mall culture vibe.
Part Three: Go to Bed Sane, Wake Up in a World of Crazy
The final gasp and demise of an obsolete world, as seen through the eyes of Kyle B. Stiff…
My quest to have my high school diploma annulled has only just begun, but has already taken a turn so crazy that an extended stay in prison is starting to look like the only realistic solution that everyone can agree upon.
Here’s what happened, though few will believe it…
My roommate and bro since childhood, Joe, woke me up early to tell me that my mom left an insane message on the answering machine. I listened but it was difficult to understand because her voice was cracking with stress, near tears. It turns out that Dale Butler, the new principal of my old high school, read my email, assumed his life was in danger, called one of my sisters, then called my mom. There was much talk on Dale’s part of getting the FBI involved because I was most likely a terrorist. My mom implored that I leave off communicating with Dale immediately because, in her words, “I don’t want to see my baby boy in prison.”
Now, before any of you start thinking “Threatening Communications” and “Terroristic Threatening”, just go back and read the letter that I wrote to Dale. It’s definitely a runner-up in the Most Polite Email Ever Written Contest. Though admittedly weird, I even made mention that I fully understood that my request was highly irregular. It’s not like I’m holding my hands up confused as to why this guy doesn’t immediately bend over and follow through with my request; I prepared myself, from the get-go, for a lot of feet shuffling and being sent from this person to that person, and so on.
Boy, was I wrong! Turns out that’s just the way a CRAZY PERSON thinks – in reality, in the world of the sane, what is more likely to happen is I’ll end up in a prison run much like the one in the movie Idiocracy.
I know what’s going on because I’ve been here before. I’ll write about it in another note; this isn’t the first time they’ve tried to incarcerate the B. Stiff due to his radical beliefs and to-the-hilt conduct.
Dale has been taken out of his comfort zone and, like anyone trained to live within an authoritarian system of obedience (and not trained at all to think for himself), he is reacting out of fear. Anything irregular must be feared; anything out of the ordinary must be stomped, and stomped FAST. When you live by a moral code like that, weight of numbers always take precedence over the voice of the individual. Of course, that world is completely illusory. As soon as it’s challenged, there’s no one who’s really going to stand up and defend it because we all know it would be cowardly to do so. Authoritarian systems like that depend on the consent of the individual. My point is, I know for a fact that Dale only has as much power as I give him. I’m going to email my mom and slap some sense into her, because the very fact that she thinks there’s even the slightest chance that I could end up in prison over this proves that she has abandoned reason and replaced it with mindless fear. Ha!
Speaking of fear, note that this guy hasn’t even contacted me yet – he contacted my family. Like a Superman comic in which no villain is powerful enough to take on Superman directly, they go after Lois Lane and that other dude that Superman would hang out with.
Don’t worry everyone – the fun and games have only just begun!
One step closer to freedom,
Kyle B. Stiff
Part Four: Uh Oh.
Update! The fun and games actually came to a screeching halt when I just kind of emotionally “moved on” from the whole thing. Still, you never know when I might get worked up into an intense emotional state over this bullshit all over again!!!
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Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.