What if a Modern Person Tried to Say a Movie or Book Title?

Did you ever wonder what would happen if a person from the modern era tried to say the title of a movie or book? What would it sound like? Well, wonder no more! After wrapping my head around the repetitive baby-talk jibberish that is modern communication, I’ve made some examples of what a lot of books and movies would be called by modern man.

 

Literally a Song of Ice and Fire: Basically a Game of Thrones

Basically Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Literally Captain America: Actually Civil War

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Literally the Walking Dead

Star Trek Honestly Beyond

Actually Breaking Bad (literally a TV show)

Actually Jason Bourne (and the poster actually says “Honestly You Know His Name”)

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Kubo and Literally Two Strings

Honestly, Literally a Sausage Party

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Turns Out Harry Potter is the Hero of the Harry Potter Series

I’ve seen a lot of stuff on the internet about pulling your head out of your ass and finding out that Hermione Granger is the hero of the Harry Potter series, or Ron, or that kid that swung the sword around at the end. I’m not a scholar of the Harry Potter series. I read a couple of the books and watched the movies, and that’s it. However, I do know a great deal about storytelling, so I can say with some amount of confidence that Harry Potter is in fact the hero of the Harry Potter series.

How can I say something so utterly unenlightened and completely uninteresting? I’ll lay out my points.

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ONE. Harry is a rebel, and heroes have a very wide rebellious streak. In the beginning, when Harry is coming up with outlandish plots and batshit shenanigans, Hermione and Ron almost always argue against him (rational arguments from Hermione and outright cowardice from Ron). The general trend of any and every story ever told is that you can’t save the day by following the rules. You have to break the law to save civilization. Sounds counterintuitive, but that’s the way heroes think.

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TWO. It doesn’t matter that Harry was a jock and Hermione was a brilliant nerd. That point only matters to bookish internet types. Having high “stats” in multiple areas, like a really good role-playing game character, only makes you better able to handle various situations. It doesn’t necessarily make you the hero of the narrative you’re working within. See point one for further explanation.

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THREE. Just because neither Hermione nor Ron nor the kid who swung the sword around at the end were the main hero does not rob them of their importance. You don’t have to be the hero in order to be important. It’s egomaniacal to think so. That sort of thinking leads to the production of corporate pamphlets and posters that say things like, “THE SCENERY ONLY CHANGES IF YOU’RE THE LEAD DOG!” Just because Hermione wasn’t the hero doesn’t mean she will be rewarded with looking at an asshole for the duration of the series.

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FOUR. Harry Potter endures a death and rebirth ritual. This is another counterintuitive point, but all heroes must die and be reborn. This is symbolic of the fact that as we go through life, our ego must “die”, or be diminished, so that we can grow. Problems can’t be solved by the same mode of thought that created them, you have to lose yourself to find yourself, et cetera and all that.

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FIVE. “But Harry’s dad was an asshole and Harry didn’t do anything to deserve being the hero!” Doesn’t matter; life isn’t fair, and heroes usually need more than a drop or two of cruelty in them anyway. True heroes have to go beyond concepts like “good” and “evil” and embody all sorts of elements in themselves, even elements that make normal people uncomfortable, in order to accomplish something beyond rational devising.