Godzilla Is Jehova, the Old Testament Kaiju Demon-God

I loved Shin Godzilla because it broke me down psychologically and forced me to reexamine everything I ever believed was true. You see, the lesson of Shin Godzilla is that the best representative of the human spirit is… bureaucracy?!?!

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This seemingly crazy assertion isn’t that much of a stretch. The movie jumps from one bureaucratic agency to another, in effect telling the story of Godzilla’s rampage from the perspective of government employees who have to deal with the chaos. I’ve never seen a movie told from this perspective; it’s some Criterion-level experimental film-making. Any other movie would have followed one bureaucrat, even going so far as to show him or her with their mate, their kids, dealing with the hassles of life, thus forcing the viewer to acknowledge that yes, indeed, this person is a human being – I’d better empathize with them.

But Shin Godzilla races from suit to suit, never really caring if the viewer has a chance to pick out their favorite bureaucrat. The characters aren’t shown as humans first and bureaucrats second, but as bureaucrats first and foremost who happen to have human responses to the situations they’re thrown into.

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I remember in one of the older Evangelion movies, someone said that humanity was the “eighteenth angel”, or that the collective sum of us was a godlike being. Shin Godzilla has a similar lesson, with the spirit of humanity shown as a meta-organism, with bureaucratic organizations as limbs of the meta-organism. Humanity’s strength doesn’t come from the individual, but instead, humanity dominates the planet because each individual can cooperate on a level that no other animal can compete with (except maybe Godzilla). In the older Godzilla movies, they would show military guys tossing out a few missiles, then the camera would zoom in on their horror-stricken faces as Godzilla would take a missile in the ass and not even notice. Then Godzilla would wail on some other monster, get winded, then leave on his own, and the credits would roll while some kids with Stockholm Syndrome would cheer and thank Godzilla for all his help. But in this movie, Godzilla really does face his most dangerous opponent… Godzilla vs. The Human Species.

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Shin Godzilla is a morality tale, a lesson for humanity. I’m not sure when exactly the idea of the “individual” was born historically (maybe the Renaissance?), but Shin Godzilla is an alarm, and it’s warning us that it may be time to prune the tree of individuality. Maybe the human meta-organism starts to look foolish if too many limbs start to mimic one another in a strange caricature of individuality. Just think of all the hardcore “rebels” out there, all fighting “the Man”, all wearing the same edgy clothes and listening to the same music. Unless someone is an artist, or an intellectual, or a wizard, or a diehard eccentric, then maybe it’s better to find a good spot to sit within the bureaucracy and then simply tend to the species in whatever way best suits the temperament of the “individual”. We are certainly in an age when people are getting more entrenched in their respective ideological or ethnic camps, after all.

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As a dude who’s always been a hardcore individual – and I say that without pride, as it has its downside – Shin Godzilla was a powerful psychedelic brew designed to destroy all my childish ideas about how the world works. It’s like when Paul Muad’dib took the Water of Life; before Shin Godzilla, all I saw was darkness, but now I see the big screaming lizard within, praise praise praise his name!

Which brings me to my Godzilla as God point. Before Shin Godzilla, there was an American-made Godzilla film back in 2014. It had a lot of beautiful shots, and there was an unforgettable sequence where some military guys jumped out of a plane and fell through a dark, dusty, burning hellzone while a bunch of giant demons were fighting one another. So good.

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But it also made the mistake that a lot of Godzilla movies make; actors with hefty price tags demanded a lot of screen time, which meant we spent too much time learning about so-and-so’s baby mama drama, which is hard to engage with when you really just want to see a giant monster squat and take a shit on a city in flames.

However, this was the film that gave me the idea that Godzilla truly is God, or at least, the Judeo-Christian-Islamic god-being. If enough people believe in a thing, and meditate on it and speak to it and sing to it, the thoughtform must become real out there in “the internet of spirits” or the world of abstractions or the astral plane… or whatever you want to call a higher realm that affects human behavior, but can’t necessarily be seen or measured. Just think of all those humans circling around the black cube of the Kaaba, or gently smooching the Wailing Wall, or twitchin’ and flailin’ in one of those American megachurches. All of that human intention goes somewhere, and if it’s not being eaten by a hyperdimensional being beyond our comprehension, then it’s surely creating such a being. Either way, it exists!

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So when I was watching the American version of Godzilla, and seeing his raw power, the pure reptilian hatred turned up to one thousand, and fifteen 9-11s happening every minute or so, I couldn’t help but think that GODzilla must surely be a stand-in for that ancient idea (or thought-form) that we’ve been feeding for thousands of years, and which in turn controls our behavior and, many times, ends up destroying or mutilating people beyond recognition. There are surely other such beings. Sports would be a powerful god-being for Godzilla to meet in a “versus” setting. Any political -ism would also surely have its own kaiju equivalent.

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It’s also interesting that Godzilla has represented different things at different times as we transition through the human story we’re in. In the first movie he was like a force of nature punishing humans for their wrongdoing, and it was kind of sad when we had to put him down. Then he became a pro-wrestler, and he was even a little heroic (sort of like an angry drunk belittling you but also giving you good advice). Now he’s like a dark mirror showing us where we are today, but it’s from the perspective of the gods, so neither of us can understand what the other is trying to say, but the atrocities and works of art that result from our attempts at communication make for an interesting story all the same.

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Kyle B. Stiff Update: Vlad the Impaler

Hello! Kept you waiting, huh?

Sorry for the long absence. My life went through a big shakedowns in which god-level cosmic forces steamrolled through every aspect of my existence. Everything that wasn’t nailed down was carried off only to be flung into a raging inferno. When my team of doctors finally let me out of the resurrection chamber, I was unrecognizable even to my own mother, with an elbow on my forehead and a spinal column dangling where my you-know-what used to be.

But I’m all better now! In fact, I’m in a situation where I can write for your enjoyment for hours and hours, each and every day. I really lucked out! In a few months I’ll start writing DEMONWORLD BOOK SEVEN: THE DEMON WAR. But first, I need to finish this short series of historical fiction books that I’ve been researching for so long. The series is called VOIVOD, and it’s about the life of Vlad the Impaler, also known as Dracula. I’m going for historical accuracy, which means there’s not going to be any vampires, or frankenfurters, nor any bigfeets or Loch Ness Monsters from the Black Lagoon. But don’t worry, the life of Vlad the Impaler was way more interesting than a bunch of drama club queens biting each other on the neck and collecting “swag” and “merch” from Hot Topic.

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Vlad was at the forefront of a war waged for slaves, and he took a stand that most people will never know about. His life story was written by his enemies. Once you strip away the propaganda, you’re left with a story about a man who was taken from his family, fought a war against child slavery, and was remembered as a monster. I’m going to release all four books fairly close to one another, all before the end of 2017 if things go according to plan. (Don’t worry, things never go according to plan.)

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For readers of Demonworld and Heavy Metal Thunder, forgive me for the delay. I had to write this Vlad series because I was starting to become obsessed. I was reading book after book and having strange dreams and waking up overcome with emotion. I had an intense sense of betrayal, and after studying Vlad’s life, it made sense. The good news, for my regular readers, is that Heavy Metal Thunder Book Three: SLAUGHTER AT MASADA, is already written. The wizards and warriors at Cubus Games will begin work on the app any day now!

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Also, after my recent life changes, I’m a lot more aware of the fact that any of us can go at any minute. After I finish the series about Vlad, I might just go ahead and finish all of the Demonworld books. You guys have waited long enough!

Infinity Turd, a Moebius Strip that Smells Like Shit on Both Sides

 

I’ve been catching up on my Marvel superhero movies and having a blast, but guys, I gotta tell you, this upcoming Infinity War stuff is not as cool as people think it is. At the end of every Marvel movie, we see a little glimpse of Shrek’s cross-dressing brother look at the camera and say something that’s supposed to be incredibly exciting, but there’s a few key points that Marvel’s writers are fumbling.

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Thanos by kudoze on deviantart

 

ONE. There is such a thing as too many superheroes on screen (or in a comic). We tend to think that if seeing X number of superheroes together is great, then more would be even better, more exciting, and make for a more complex story. It doesn’t. Too many superheroes means nobody gets a significant amount of screen time. When the Infinity War begins, your favorite hero will be way, waaaaay in the background while Iron-Man carries most of the story. Your guy will say one or two things while Iron-Man whipping his head, snapping his fingers, and saying Joss Whedon-approved lines like, “Oh no he di’int!”

When it comes to team movies, you need to stick like like four, five, maybe six characters, so there’s a balance between every individual getting some screen time and adding some complex character interaction.

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TWO. There is such a thing as ratcheting up the power level too high. We have this idea that if you take a normal person and give them superpowers, it makes them more interesting, therefore if you keep upping the ante until you have a character who can fly through outer space and shatter planets with one blow, he would be even more interesting, right? Wrong! Dead wrong, you big nerd. If a character is slightly more powerful than a really strong human, then the mind can grasp that character’s actions. We understand the danger level that that superhero is in when they jump over a car or knock a guy down.

But when you’ve got someone as powerful as Thanos wielding a bag of glass beads that turns him into a god, any battle against him is just going to be colored lights. Any character interacting with him in a battle will inevitably have to be entirely CGI. I hope you like cartoons and weightless, rubbery physics, because that’s what the ultimate battle of good against evil is going to look like during this Infinity War fiasco. You people are going to think I’m crazy, but so far the most exciting moment in the Marvel superhero universe has been Captain America and Black Widow getting ambushed on the highway by the Winter Soldier and a dozen heavily-armed military guys. That was so intense! So intense! Throwing a Power Rangers villain in there isn’t going to add anything. Which brings me to my next point…

THREE. Thanos’s appearance could maybe pass in a comic book from the 80s, especially if you were reading it in private, but for an older audience that’s going out into public to watch this movie, seeing Barney’s evil cousin grimacing and straining to hold in a fart is embarrassing. We can watch superhero movies now and not feel like absolute degenerates mostly because their appearance has been updated. They look cool now. Flip through an old comic book if, for whatever reason, you think superheroes looked cool in the past (they didn’t). People already made fun of Apocalypse for looking like Rita Repulsa’s fuck buddy, but Thanos is no different. Call me completely batshit, but if Thanos is going to be anything other than a joke, he’s got to be recast as a normal actor (yes, a human actor) who just happens to be big and scary. A little makeup is okay. Tint his skin a smidge purple if you have to. Now put a cool outfit on him, something that looks like a space viking’s frost-covered armor. It looks like he got his current outfit at the Big and Tall Fabulous Mardi Gras Expo. That’s not scary, that’s a fun night out on the town, followed by a hangover and texting people and begging them not to post any pictures.

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FOUR. The final showdown! What’s going to happen?! How will our heroes survive when Thanos acquires the magic gems that give him the ultimate power?!?!?!!??! Well, it’s pretty obvious, so I’ll go ahead and tell you. Things will look dire as Thanos and our heroes shoot colored lights everywhere. Then Thanos’s colored lights will become brighter and even more colorful, and our heroes will really be pinned to the floor. Thanos will tilt his head back and laugh. Then our heroes will hold hands and make a new kind of colored light. What power is this?! That’s right – it’s the power of love. The colored lights of the heroes will push against the evil Christmas tree lights of Thanos. The music will be really loud and if you’re watching the movie at home, you’ll have to turn it down a little (kind of an inconvenience). Some sort of gateway will open… I guess they have to throw the Infinity Gauntlet in there. If Joss Whedon is writing this one (unfortunately he probably will) then one of your most beloved characters will be like, “Bros, I gotta take that gauntlet and jump in the hole with it.”

“Don’t do it,” another character will say. “That will like totally kill you!”

The audience favorite will sort of smile and be like, “But I like, totally have to, don’t you know?”

The audience favorite will grab the gauntlet and jump into the transdimensional CGI meat grinder gateway with it. He’ll die, and it’ll be “sad” but it won’t really be that “sad” because when is the last time Joss Whedon ever killed off a character that didn’t come back? They always come back.

Sorry if I sound like a whiny little turd, but I’m a fan of superheroes, and I don’t like to see silly, predictable stuff. The human mind is an incredible tuning fork for all kinds of unbelievable stuff, and the universe rotates within itself like a bouquet of donuts twisted into an impossible shape. Please, highly paid Hollywood writers, I beg you – use the human mind to tune into something interesting!

Left and Right Working Together?

I was watching Daredevil last night and I had this idea about politics, and it’s not super well-thought out but I thought I’d run it by you guys. The idea is that conservatives and liberals both have their own spheres of expertise, and arguments happen when they overstep their boundaries and get in each other’s way. I had this idea of nations (or even villages or whatever) as a soft center with a hard defensive ring around it.

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A liberal’s sphere would be the soft center. The liberal makes sure the village (or whatever) is nice to be in. Everybody has a good time, life isn’t extremely unfair, people have rights, there’s public works and projects you can put money into, artists get looked after, the old and the weak are taken care of, stuff like that. A conservative’s sphere would be the hard outer ring, and their job would be to defend the soft center. Being hardasses, sending out warnings to outsiders who get too close, making judgment calls on who should be killed or detained, deciding how raids should be carried out, questioning ideas or plans made by people outside the ring who want to come inside the ring, enforcing rules with the right amount of severity so that the group is protected, that would be their area.

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Both groups are perfectly suited for their areas, and totally unsuited for the other’s area. A liberal working in the outer defensive ring would let their empathy run away with them and let outsiders do what they want to the outer ring, thus endangering the entire village. A conservative who dicks around in the soft center would start trying to “lay down the law” on shit he has no idea about, like reproductive systems, Dungeons and Dragons, who’s bangin’ who in an unorthodox manner, what music people can listen to, and pretty soon the soft center would become hellish and unfit to live in.

I think this might be a good system because no one “side” has to beat the other “side”. As it is now, liberals and conservatives are in a desperate deathmatch, but it’s like an MMA fighter against a WWF wrestler in a rap battle. They’re thinking and acting using completely different sets of rules because they see the world in completely different ways. No side can ever “beat” the other side; the only thing they can do is ramp up the intensity of the argument and make things uncomfortable for someone like me. Of course, in order for an idea like this to work, people with opposing views (actually, opposing brain types, I think) would have to be able to chill out and see the value of the opposing side. That doesn’t mean you have to “give in” to the other side, you don’t even have to agree that they might be right, you just have to see their potential value to the tribe.

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Like I was saying, I was watching Daredevil (beginning of season 2 so, SPOILER ALERT and also DON’T SPOIL IT FOR ME) and saw the incredible second battle between Daredevil and the Punisher which is followed by a great argument that made me extremely uncomfortable but was so inspiring. Of course the whole thing is Daredevil’s “don’t kill people” philosophy versus Punisher’s “kill bad people so they don’t kill good people” philosophy. Punisher said something incredibly insightful: “You don’t get to pick what makes you whole.” Bam! Right there. It doesn’t matter how much Daredevil argues with him, or how sane and rational he thinks he is, in the end, the Punisher is made for living in the outer defensive ring of the village. He won’t feel alive unless he knows he’s protecting the soft center though incredible acts of unbelievable violence. The series does a great job of showing how disturbing the Punisher’s life is, with crime scene photos of mutilated bodies covered in gore, which is also counterbalanced by seeing criminals running and hiding and fearing for their life (loved seeing that one guy shit his pants when he realized the Punisher really was going to walk into a hospital with a shotgun and blast him – there was nowhere he could hide).

Daredevil made some good arguments too, though – as long as you live in the soft center. There is always good in people, and you have to trust your species and see the good in them. Everyone deserves a chance. Of course, his argument is a little awkward, because he’s fighting crime but not killing anyone, which only makes sense if you have superpowers (most people don’t), and doesn’t really work on the outer defensive ring.

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Oh yeah, I also thought this might be a good system to work within just in case of alien invasion, which I think is inevitable. And yes I mean the UFOs from Mars variety (“They said alien and Vasquez thought they said illegal alien…”). It would be better if our different brain types (in this case, liberal and conservative) each knew their appropriate area so that we could work better together against alien invasion, rather than let aliens play both sides against the other while they divide our resources among themselves. I see people having meltdowns now, but in the future, every living person will live deep underground and they’ll look at old photos of us strutting around on the surface of the planet, and while they work on assembly lines to make laser rifles and mini-nukes they will wish that they could have lived in our time – yes, the very time that everyone is currently complaining about. They will wonder what everyone was bitching and moaning about because they will be worried about creatures burrowing down from the surface and possibly attacking one of the child care centers, which is the worst possible scenario for any underground bunker city.

B. Stiff Is Back!

Wow, I really left you guys hanging, huh? Well, I’m back. Every once in a while, when you get too comfortable, a metaphorical semi blasts through your living room. You try to clean up after it as best you can, but then a bunch of monsters hop out the back. You try to sell them on the idea of attacking your neighbors and not your family (sorry) but their laser rifles are honed in on your loved ones and they know the layout of your house so you know they’ve been sent specifically for you so in the end (still just a metaphor) you lose everything you thought you had. In the aftermath, when you feel like a ghost drifting through a desolate landscape littered with the memories of the man you once were, you turn to old issues of the Punisher because you know that’s what you have to become if you want to survive. Survival demands you keep moving, and it doesn’t hand out rewards, only duties.

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My metaphor went off the shit-end of the stick, but what I’m trying to say is that I’m going to be writing a lot more for you guys in 2017. But 2016 wasn’t as much of a bust as it looked like! Even while struggling against horrors that no reasonable universe would ever ask anyone to face, I still wrote the third Heavy Metal Thunder book. It won’t be available until the wizards at Cubus Games finish the ritual that turns it into an app, but I’ve done my part. (I’m sure they also want to complete Frankenstein Wars first.) I also knocked out a couple of scripts for your enjoyment, if you’re interested: Phoenix and HUMAN.EXE.

I almost forgot, I also made part of an old-school RPG for you guys, too! You can read about it or even download it HERE.

See? 2016 wasn’t so bad, now, was it?

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As for 2017, not only do I want to finish Demonworld Book 7: The Demon War (finally!), but I also want to write a historical fiction novel. How crazy is that? I have a particular man and a particular era in mind, and I’ve been doing more research than ten professors melted down and squeezed together into one super-professor. I had a few intense dreams, too, where I would see things from that character’s perspective, and would even wake up crying! Pretty overwhelming stuff! So I think my muse is telling me that this person’s story needs to be told. Don’t worry – it’s going to be entertaining as hell!

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So let’s beat the hell out of 2017! We’ll slay one day after another, but we’ll let one day live so that it can run to 2018 and give a garbled, tearful, whiny warning.

“Beware! Beware the B. Stiff!!!”

What if a Modern Person Tried to Say a Movie or Book Title?

Did you ever wonder what would happen if a person from the modern era tried to say the title of a movie or book? What would it sound like? Well, wonder no more! After wrapping my head around the repetitive baby-talk jibberish that is modern communication, I’ve made some examples of what a lot of books and movies would be called by modern man.

 

Literally a Song of Ice and Fire: Basically a Game of Thrones

Basically Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Literally Captain America: Actually Civil War

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Literally the Walking Dead

Star Trek Honestly Beyond

Actually Breaking Bad (literally a TV show)

Actually Jason Bourne (and the poster actually says “Honestly You Know His Name”)

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Kubo and Literally Two Strings

Honestly, Literally a Sausage Party

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A VR Sim for Those Who Think that Politics Is Real

Game developers should make a virtual reality simulation for people who enjoy the endorphin rush of outrage.

The simulation would have to be so engaging that it draws everybody deeply entrenched in the cult of politics out of everybody else’s way. Imagine if facebook or twitter were filled with people living unique lives with interesting perspectives! Instead, both forums are a series of endless arguments and troll-wars and preachy moralizing between the two most bottom-of-the-barrel, played out perspectives that ever simplified the unimaginably complex human narrative: the old liberal versus conservative paradigm. What a shame!

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VR Sim: Politics Is Real would be a two-disc set, with one set of games for liberals and another set for conservatives. Pick your poison! There would be many games on each disc. Here are some game ideas, in no particular order.

For liberals, a game called RE-EDUCATION CAMP. The point of this game would be to find people who are not one hundred percent on board with a futuristic utopian society and put them in re-education camps. The guests at the camps must be turned into good human beings through hard labor, food restriction, and challenging indoctrination mini-games.

For conservatives, a war sim called CALL OF JESUS: MODERN WARGOD. This highly popular game would be a perfect way to get ultra-conservatives from the world’s most annoying religions – Christianity, Islam, and Judaism – and stick them in a world where they can kill one another over and over and over again while leaving everybody else free to relax and read a book or take a dog on a walk.

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For liberals, a game called ESCAPE FROM KITCHEN. In this game, a female protagonist has been chained to an oven by an evil husband who guards the exit. The player will have to use their wits to avoid making her captor anything to eat, thus starving him to death while avoiding starvation herself. Once the cell phone item has been found, the player will be able to eat food by downloading it from Pinterest photos. Other bonus power-ups: college diploma, CEO suit, and abortion machine.

For conservatives, a game called DON’T BE GAY. The point of this game would be to navigate a labyrinth full of homoerotic imagery and tantalizingly forbidden sights, but still make the choice to be a straight man. Successfully getting through the labyrinth would require you to move away from monsters that look like physically fit, scantily clad young men, and yet somehow not have sex with them. Occasionally the player would find an “assault rifle” power-up that would allow them to rack up points by shooting homosexuals, sort of like when Pac-Man ate a magical bean or whatever and was able to eat ghosts for a limited time.

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For liberals, a game called FANTASTIC RACIST VOYAGE. In this game, racism has nearly been eradicated, but a few molecules of racism still exist deep inside one single human being. Players are shrunk down and injected into the body of this individual, and they must cooperate to hunt down the last few molecules of racism and blast them before they can grow into racism-cancer and spread from host to host, once again turning humanity into a bunch of shitty, awful racists. The player will only have about five minutes to hunt down this facet of humanity that has slowly formed over hundreds of thousands of years, so it will be a really pulse-pounding race against time.

For conservatives, a game called FRATERNAL ORDER OF THE BROTHERHOOD. In this game you enroll in a fraternity and engage in a series of drinking games while avoiding taking any classes or learning anything about the knowledge your species has accumulated over thousands of years. At the end of the game you become so inebriated that you can barely even see the family business you inherit.

For liberals, a game called LOVE-COP. “Part man, part liberal, all cop,” is the tagline. In this game, the player would be a police officer patrolling a dangerous neighborhood armed only with hugs and good intentions. I’m sort of drawing a blank on this one… other than crawling into a sewer drain and waiting until your shift is over, I’m not sure how the player would survive. Ultimately I think the game would turn into a shooter, but with little hearts rather than bullets taking down violent perpetrators.

For conservatives, a game called ALWAYS A REBEL (SOMETIMES). In this game, every stage begins with a rousing quote from the freedom-loving founding fathers. The player will be filled with a sense that they should fight to pursue happiness based on their individual will. But then the gameplay will juxtapose that with a grueling level-grinding system in places like military bases, corporate offices, and churches. The classic gameplay design “A jumps, B shoots” will be replaced with “A means ‘yes sir!’ and B proudly tows the line.” How much of a rules-obeying lickspittle can you be for your corporate masters? Are you willing to defend freedom and human dignity by shining your military officer’s shoes like a good boy? Gameplay will do another 180 during boss-fights against pacifists, hippies, people from technologically undeveloped nations unlucky enough to be sitting on valuable resources, and women who ruin football season by speaking out against wealthy rapist athletes. In those instances, players will have to ruthlessly smash any opposition by generally being a shitty person.

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For liberals, a game called GENDERFLUX. Since gender isn’t based on biology, but on social conditioning, players will have to give a child the freedom to choose their own gender by indoctrinating them into believing they are a different gender than they appear to be. Keeping toy guns and cars away from boys, and dolls and cooking sets and anything pink away from girls, is a must in this Super Mario-inspired run-and-jump game that shows you how shitty you are for assuming Mario is a man and the Princess is a woman.

For conservatives, a military shooter with the challenge rating turned all the way down. The player is a soldier equipped with modern weapons and dozens of heavily equipped allies, and even tanks and helicopters, in an endless war against outnumbered enemies equipped with Stone Age weapons or a few shoddy firearms cobbled together during the Cold War. If the player ever feels the least bit challenged, he can call in an airstrike from a stealth bomber flying so fast and so far above the playing field that the enemy cannot even target them. All boss fights are merely accidental friendly fire incidents due to some levels being so choked by friendly units. Every stage begins with a briefing given by a military commander who has an extreme right-wing Israeli politician whispering in his ear.

For liberals, a game called EVERY CULTURE IS GREAT EXCEPT YOURS. A game inspired by Civilization in which players don’t manage their own civilization, but everyone else’s. Players will work hard to promote and cultivate computer-controlled opponents who gratefully accept resources and charity workers. Players will have to ignore the advancements of their own civilization with a series of eye-rolling and head-shaking as they accumulate Guilt Points. The player can gain Smug Self-Satisfaction points for ignoring or downplaying the atrocities committed by other civilizations.

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For conservatives, a game called ONLY AMERICA EXISTS. In this Civilization-inspired game, computer controlled opponents do not look like humans, but instead look like the resources they have. The player already begins the game with an incredible array of military units, but the challenge of turning the whole world into one giant red, white, and blue paradise comes from your own limp-wristed, gutless, whiny civilian populace, who have to be carefully managed. Getting resources won’t be easy. Instead of developing Achievements or Great Wonders, the player will have to develop a research tree that includes carefully controlled narratives, media manipulations, and Political Hero units who can say incredibly simple jingoistic phrases that will get people excited about stealing resources from other nations – or, rather, liberating foreign people from tyrants who oppose freedom and democracy.

The trailer for the liberal set of games would show a group of Democratic politicians hugging each other and petting a group of deer peacefully making their way through the senate building. “Let’s pass a bill that will create world peace and end hunger and equalize equality equally everywhere!” one of the peaceful Democrats would say. Then a terrible shadow would fill the room and a Republican with glowing red eyes would say, “I’LL GO ALONG WITH THAT… BUT ONLY IF WE EDIT THE BILL, EVER SO SLIGHTLY, TO INCLUDE DEATH CAMPS FOR ALL POOR PEOPLE AND MINORITIES! HA HA HAAAA!!!”

Well dear reader, the flow of ideas has suddenly ended, so I’ll end this here. If you hated this, please let me know.