Mass Effect: Planet of the Reapers!

The trailer and speculation surrounding Mass Effect: Andromeda has really got me pumped, so I figured I should celebrate with some wild speculation about the reapers!


Every reaper has a living corpse inside of it. The biomechanical construct made from human DNA, which we saw at the end of Mass Effect 2, was not a unique phenomenon. There was nothing special about the harvest cycle seen in the Mass Effect trilogy. Most likely every species exterminated by the reapers has a biomechanical construct made of flesh and steel that looks like a bigger version of the species. More fit or interesting species receive large constructs, the rest receive smaller constructs. The reapers that we commonly see are really exoskeletal “armor” worn by the undying, immortal creature that rides inside, most likely lying down like a corpse in a coffin. Only the first reapers made by the leviathans lack the meaty center of the later models.


The reapers don’t live in “dark space”. This is a nonsensical concept that doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. The reapers live on a planet just like everyone else. Between harvests, most of the reapers return, land, and then the giant biomechanical androids (the true “reapers”) step out of their armor and return to their territories. The planet is most likely small, with a light gravity to help reduce stress on the giant beings (of course they probably have mass effect generators on their bodies to ease stress as well).


What do the reapers do on their “homeworld”? They don’t go to malls and watch TV like we do. They spend most of their time meditating – sort of. Each reaper is a “sovereign nation”. They interact minimally. Mostly they sit quietly within their territories and lose themselves in simulations of their own creation. Each reaper has an incredibly complex series of AIs running in their massive brains. Humans can already make some pretty cool video games with a handful of crappy computers and decent programmers. Reapers would of course make simulations of incredible complexity. They put themselves in their own simulations and get a kick out of experiencing what each simulation has to offer. Sometimes they make themselves forget who they truly are, then put themselves into a character and see how long it takes for them to remember that they are a god and wake up from their simulation. Sometimes they experience the joy of combat and endless battle sims, much like our own video games. Sometimes they go on endless sex marathons based on the framework of whatever species they were made from.


I imagine the reaper world to have a red sky and hard-baked white land. The planet has been dead for millions of years. The reapers sit crouched and motionless for hundreds of years on end and could be mistaken for statues from a distance. Most movement would come from farms run by collector-like enslaved species who gather food, repair equipment, and crawl on the reapers and see to the needs of their bodies. I assume their planet would not be dark all the time because the slaves and farms would require at least some amount of light, but the reapers would probably prefer a dark planet simply to avoid detection.

Some reapers may occasionally “die” by losing themselves in their simulations. I don’t know whether they would be tended by their slaves for eternity or simply abandoned. They would be a constant source of mystery to the other reapers; it would be impossible to connect with the mind of such a dead reaper because of the fear that the simulation that fatally drew them in would spread. The contents of such a simulation would never be known.


I’ve always been interested in the claim that the mass relays controlled the development of civilizations. I always wondered, how much control would it really have? Now I think that the mechanism for this is brutally simple. When any species reaches the point where it can interact with a relay, it sends a signal. This is like an alarm system, or even just an alarm clock that says “time to wake up”. Not all reapers will wake up at the same time, so a collective snooze button is hit many times. Hundreds of years may pass as the giant reapers end their current simulations, stand, cry out upon waking due to the pain of existence, gather intel from whoever was left behind (Sovereign in the case of the Mass Effect trilogy), and plan the next harvest. So a harvest doesn’t necessarily happen every fifty thousand years. Harvests happen when they need to.

In my post where I outlined an idea for Mass Effect 4, I theorized that the reapers would record cultural data as well as genetic data. Now I think this is wrong. When the reapers exterminate technologically advanced species, they are merely wiping out competition as it crops up.


Actually they’re doing more than wiping out competition and protecting themselves. They’re also taking successful species, survivor species, and using them to create new reapers. This isn’t theory, we already knew this. But it’s interesting to think that their ritual of child sacrifice, a genocide of what might be trillions of individuals, results in the creation of perhaps a dozen new reapers. Who knows what strange rituals they conduct to bring these new godlings to maturity?

More speculation: When the new reapers are born, they are brought into a demented heaven. The planet of the reapers, and the cycle that populates it, is like something from the prophetic books of the Bible. It is a heaven for dead species, a paradise for those considered worthy of losing their old bodies and gaining new “heavenly” bodies in the world beyond. This also perfectly encapsulates the Gnostic concept that God is evil, that the God of the Old Testament is an insane, demonic monster. Would you really worship a reaper?


Imagine if Shepard had gone to the planet of the reapers and seen giant, slow-moving beings trudging across the wasteland, silently marking the boundaries of their territory or sitting and staring into nothingness. They would seem like jotun from Norse mythology, terrible giants ancient beyond belief who gather during the end of the world.


Hey readers! I’ve got some other Mass Effect stuff available for your perusal. For instance: An outline for a game called Mass Effect 4: Indoctrination Theory. There’s also a piece about Rio de Janeiro Theory. I’ve also got some random Mass Effect speculation and bitching available HERE. If fanfiction is more your thing (and why shouldn’t it be?), then you can check out some stories based on the Destroy, Control, and Synthesis endings.

If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which can also be found on iTunes and Google Play as incredibly fancy apps.

Hoodel Gibbens Free Giveaway!

I’ll keep this short and sweet because I know your time is the most valuable substance in the universe.

My ridiculous experimental book The Lifes and Times of Hoodel Gibbens is available for FREE today on Amazon. Don’t stop to consider the options – just click away because every click helps little Hoodel survive!

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The Lifes and Times of Hoodel Gibbens: My Newest and Strangest Book

Kyle B. Stiff is known for writing bleak and tragic sci-fi, but that’s not all he’s good for. Let’s face it, Kyle B. Stiff is also known for taking preconceived notions and roundhouse-kicking them, uppercutting them, even interrogating them in his basement for weeks on end until they are psychologically broken down. Kyle B. Stiff’s latest book surely rewrites the book on how Kyle B. Stiff writes books! Let me introduce… Hoodel Gibbens, the world’s first writing canine!

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Sci-fi’s master of disaster now brings you the most light-hearted and delightful tale to ever grace a bookshelf… The Lifes and Times of Hoodel Gibbens!

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This is a book about a dog who can write. He lives with a bunch of cats. He likes to eat treats, sing a little bit, and do a “you know what” on the kitchen floor when his owner isn’t looking. If it sounds completely awesome… it is! You can get a paperback or a Kindle version by clicking HERE. If you’re ready for a unique experience, then go for it!

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I realize there are people out there demanding to know when I’ll finish Demonworld Six or the third Heavy Metal Thunder gamebook. But this tale of Hoodel Gibbens is more than just a chew-chaw to widdle away the hours in between my  “real” projects. No, Lifes and Times is a project so strange and dreamlike and heartwarmingly incomprehensible that it can only stand shoulder-to-shoulder alongside my other incredible books.

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Sol Invictus, the sequel to Heavy Metal Thunder, now available as an app!


I’m laid out on a metal table and a man is standing over me with a device like a hose. It’s very, very sharp on one end, and as he holds it overhead he explains that it has finally become necessary to jam this thing into my forehead, turn the suction up all the way, and drain something like hamburger meat mixed with fish slurry from my body. There’s a man on the other end of the hose prepping a container that looks like it could hold at least ten gallons, so I think this might be curtains for Kyle B. I explain to the man standing over me that I need to make a blog post to get the word out about Sol Invictus, my latest gamebook app. He sighs and looks at his watch.

“Fine,” he says, “but you need to make it quick.”

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For those of you who don’t know, Heavy Metal Thunder was a gamebook app developed by Cubus Games, and it allowed players to direct a sci-fi story involving a mentally unstable jetpack infantryman in a journey across a solar system occupied by alien invaders. Now the sequel, Sol Invictus, is available, and it continues the tale of that same jetpack infantryman as he takes part in a series of military operations in outer space that result in a climax so senses-shattering that it’s been known to cast gamers to the floor in a broken heap.

It’s available for iOS and Android!

Here’s an in-depth review that really blew my mind, and here’s an interview of me that was so controversial it resulted in me being laid on a metal table and having my body shaved and ritualistically cleansed in preparation for a ceremonial mercy killing!

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To those of you wondering why I still haven’t delivered Demonworld Book Six into your hands, well… this is pretty good as far as consolation prizes go, don’t you think?

Heavy Metal Thunder now available for iPhone and iPad!

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 The long-awaited day is finally here. If you’re a fan of gamebooks or RPGs or video games and you’re looking for a new kind of game that’ll take you to the edge and back again, then it’s time to ascend balls-first into the most intense gamebook experience ever developed by the human species.




If you’re not sure what Heavy Metal Thunder is, check out my interview with Cubus Games, the guys who developed the app version of Heavy Metal Thunder. That piece explains it all.

For only three bucks (the price of a cat’s tongue and a wad of human hair on the black market), why not check it out? To see the iPhone / iPad version, click here. If you’re an Android user – just hang in there!



Update: Demonworld 6 and Heavy Metal Thunder App

Dear readers, I know it seems like the world has grown dark and all Kyle B. Stiffs have been lost. In an endless labyrinth of enslavement, the tale of Wodan has become only scattered fragments, a faded poster on a broken down bus, a chipped action figure clutched by a skeletal hand on the edge of a battlefield… you get the idea. Oh, the frustration that Demonworld Six is not yet available to the public!!!


Well, here’s one piece of good news. My gamebook, Heavy Metal Thunder, is being turned into an app complete with music and illustrations by Cubus Games. I’ve been hard at work beating this thing into shape and making it worthy of the attention of the human species. We’re hoping for a release date at the end of June for all iProducts.

As for Demonworld Book Six: The Love of Tyrants, progress is being made, I assure you! I have to interact with the outside world more than I used to, but I’m researching ways for introverts to sustain and preserve their energetic life-force so that after an introvert clocks out he can truly unleash his New Age juices onto worthwhile projects. Demonworld Six is a beast, a monster, what people in the industry call “a large book”. It’s taking all I’ve got to keep things on track (note: things haven’t been kept on track very well), but I’m hoping it will be available by the end of the year.



In the meantime, if you’re already a fan of Demonworld, then tell someone else about it. There’s no need for people to be reading a bunch of ridiculous nonsense written by jokers who don’t really care about their fans and, let’s face it, have probably written less than fifteen books before they started picking up massive checks and going on long vacations. And if you haven’t tried Demonworld yet, then… what gives?! The first book’s free!