A Child Molestor for a Hero

By Kyle B. Stiff

I’ve been doing some research on ritual abuse and I’ve been noticing the very human tendency to cover up this sort of thing, not for fear of being associated with it and going to prison, but merely because it is disturbing. The hardest thing to deal with in the accounts of the victims is the inevitable part of the story where normal people who aren’t even associated with the abuse either ignore what is happening or actively try to silence the victim. Hearing this kind of crap has reminded me of being a kid and dealing with adults who I always saw as “weak” or hopelessly naive.

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I didn’t know it at the time, but I always had really intense insight into people when I was a child. It’s common for a kid to think they’re more knowledgable than adults – that’s like the curse of childhood, a terminal case of overestimating your own abilities, right? But in my case, I really could see through people. I always had my own estimation of people that existed outside of consensus opinion. This insight even kept me from getting molested! I remember there was a choir director in the church where I grew up. I knew he was a pedophile just by looking at him – and yes, I even knew what a pedophile was! I think my parents thought I was joking when I called him a pedophile, even though his kids walked around looking like shell-shocked victims of trauma. Anyway, one day this guy even had the balls to call my home, ask for me, and then he invited me to come over and play with his train set. I was used to obeying authority, but I told the guy I didn’t want to, and hung up on him. As far as I was concerned, I had dodged one hell of a bullet, and ran to tell my mom what had happened. You know what that little lady said to me? She said I should have gone to his house – I might have had fun!

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The thing is, I think this is pretty typical of the way most people think. Maybe they’re completely out of touch with their own “shadow”, or they have to learn something before they can know something – but whatever the deal is with them, their defenses against monsters are weak because they can’t even imagine that monsters exist. It’s just so far outside of what they consider within the realm of possibilities. For me, I’ve always known that the world is a dark place. My psyche won’t shatter at the possibility that sometimes bad people pretend to be good people so they can rape children. You have to be rough to defend good people and good things!

But eventually I realized that other people can’t handle thinking of stuff like that. They aren’t psychologically built to walk in darkness for any length of time, so they avoid it entirely. I started looking down on adults when I was in my pre-teens because I saw them as weak, and I think I even turned into a bully because of that. Not an overt bully, of course, I wasn’t a mean-spirited little shit, but I definitely wanted the adults in my life to grow up a little bit. So what I did was… I started talking about a known child molestor who lived in our town. I talked about him all the time. I made jokes about him and acted like he was my hero. I even wrote stories about him! I can be sued if I give his real name, so let’s just say he was called Drankie Foul. He was kind of a character. Semi-retarded, extremely ugly, fat, lived in poverty, walked around town a lot, and went to church so he could look for victims. Drankie was a degenerate. He had raped some kids and spent a few years in prison, but was now a member of the community. I guess as far as they were concerned, raping kids was just a phase he had gone through, kind of like when a kid goes through a skateboarding phase!

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I kept cracking jokes about him and getting other kids to laugh and talk about him because I knew the adults were way too pussy to stop me. Ultimately, I knew that if they called me out on always talking about Drankie Foul, I could play my ace card: I’m just a kid. But you’re an adult, and if you know this guy is a pedophile, why don’t you get a gun and go handle your business? Oh, you don’t want to do that? Then how about I just keep talking about Drankie all day, every day, as often as I want to?

Then again, maybe more people have “dark streaks” in their aura than we realize. You ever read an article about a child molestor and then check out the comments section? Lots of people want to kill child molestors! Even people in prison want to stomp perverts, they can’t stand to be around them! I’ve been hearing about pedophile rings being broken up recently, with lots of arrests being made. I hope it’s true. I hope it’s true because life is always better when good people focus their aggressive instincts like a laser rather than pretending that the dark spots on their soul don’t exist.

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Script for an Insanely Stupid but Popular TV Show

A scene involving some Persons…

Person 1: You’re gonna do what I say, and we’re not going to talk about why you’re going to do it! That way we can have a stupid misunderstanding that will get the audience all worked up!

Person 2 (to another Person): Nothing was explained to me so I’m going to assume the other Person is a retard. Looks like you and me are going to have to deviate from the plan so nothing will get resolved in this episode and everyone will keep yelling at each other.

Person 3: But won’t that jeopardize what we’re trying to do?

Person 2: Yeah pretty much. And you might think that I should explain things, but I’m not going to explain anything. I’m just going to walk away.

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Let’s All Drop What We’re Doing While Kyle B. Stiff Gives His Opinion About Blade Runner 2049 As Far As It Pertains to Using the Bathroom

By Kyle B. Stiff

Blade Runner 2049 was an amazing movie, but I don’t understand why Hollywood producers don’t understand why it didn’t make a lot in the box office. For one thing, nobody can hold their bladder for more than two hours, especially if they drank a giant Coke during the half hour of trailers and ads that played beforehand. Also every single person in America – even people who live in poverty – have giant TVs with beautiful high-definition pictures, and an audio setup that sounds better than movie theaters. Movie theaters jack up the volume so high that even a deaf motherfucker like me can hardly handle it. Who in the world wants to pay twenty dollars just to get blasted with sound while they need to pee, not to mention while they wonder if the person sitting behind them is going to pull out a gun and get their fifteen minutes of fame?

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Probably what they’re going to have to do for a big film release is a pay-per-view kind of thing where people can stream it from home. That’s the only option. It’s either that or have robots that blow you while you’re in the theater. I certainly don’t want big budget movies to go away. Blade Runner 2049 hit me so hard in the feels that it was like catching a glimpse of the Almighty. It was amazing. But if Hollywood producers just keep throwing up their hands and not giving the matter a little thought, then eventually we will never see anything like Blade Runner 2049 ever again. We’ll only see Madea movies and romantic comedies. That’s all that will be available.

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I just had another idea. I’m old so I remember that films, especially long ones, used to have an “intermission”. Halfway through the film, the screen would go black and music would play. You could get up, take a piss, pinch one off, have a powerful vomit, or just do whatever you needed to do so that you wouldn’t spend the last half hour bent over and holding your dick, whispering, “Don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to me!”

Maybe they could try something like that?

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