I’ve been catching up on my Marvel superhero movies and having a blast, but guys, I gotta tell you, this upcoming Infinity War stuff is not as cool as people think it is. At the end of every Marvel movie, we see a little glimpse of Shrek’s cross-dressing brother look at the camera and say something that’s supposed to be incredibly exciting, but there’s a few key points that Marvel’s writers are fumbling.
ONE. There is such a thing as too many superheroes on screen (or in a comic). We tend to think that if seeing X number of superheroes together is great, then more would be even better, more exciting, and make for a more complex story. It doesn’t. Too many superheroes means nobody gets a significant amount of screen time. When the Infinity War begins, your favorite hero will be way, waaaaay in the background while Iron-Man carries most of the story. Your guy will say one or two things while Iron-Man whipping his head, snapping his fingers, and saying Joss Whedon-approved lines like, “Oh no he di’int!”
When it comes to team movies, you need to stick like like four, five, maybe six characters, so there’s a balance between every individual getting some screen time and adding some complex character interaction.
TWO. There is such a thing as ratcheting up the power level too high. We have this idea that if you take a normal person and give them superpowers, it makes them more interesting, therefore if you keep upping the ante until you have a character who can fly through outer space and shatter planets with one blow, he would be even more interesting, right? Wrong! Dead wrong, you big nerd. If a character is slightly more powerful than a really strong human, then the mind can grasp that character’s actions. We understand the danger level that that superhero is in when they jump over a car or knock a guy down.
But when you’ve got someone as powerful as Thanos wielding a bag of glass beads that turns him into a god, any battle against him is just going to be colored lights. Any character interacting with him in a battle will inevitably have to be entirely CGI. I hope you like cartoons and weightless, rubbery physics, because that’s what the ultimate battle of good against evil is going to look like during this Infinity War fiasco. You people are going to think I’m crazy, but so far the most exciting moment in the Marvel superhero universe has been Captain America and Black Widow getting ambushed on the highway by the Winter Soldier and a dozen heavily-armed military guys. That was so intense! So intense! Throwing a Power Rangers villain in there isn’t going to add anything. Which brings me to my next point…
THREE. Thanos’s appearance could maybe pass in a comic book from the 80s, especially if you were reading it in private, but for an older audience that’s going out into public to watch this movie, seeing Barney’s evil cousin grimacing and straining to hold in a fart is embarrassing. We can watch superhero movies now and not feel like absolute degenerates mostly because their appearance has been updated. They look cool now. Flip through an old comic book if, for whatever reason, you think superheroes looked cool in the past (they didn’t). People already made fun of Apocalypse for looking like Rita Repulsa’s fuck buddy, but Thanos is no different. Call me completely batshit, but if Thanos is going to be anything other than a joke, he’s got to be recast as a normal actor (yes, a human actor) who just happens to be big and scary. A little makeup is okay. Tint his skin a smidge purple if you have to. Now put a cool outfit on him, something that looks like a space viking’s frost-covered armor. It looks like he got his current outfit at the Big and Tall Fabulous Mardi Gras Expo. That’s not scary, that’s a fun night out on the town, followed by a hangover and texting people and begging them not to post any pictures.
FOUR. The final showdown! What’s going to happen?! How will our heroes survive when Thanos acquires the magic gems that give him the ultimate power?!?!?!!??! Well, it’s pretty obvious, so I’ll go ahead and tell you. Things will look dire as Thanos and our heroes shoot colored lights everywhere. Then Thanos’s colored lights will become brighter and even more colorful, and our heroes will really be pinned to the floor. Thanos will tilt his head back and laugh. Then our heroes will hold hands and make a new kind of colored light. What power is this?! That’s right – it’s the power of love. The colored lights of the heroes will push against the evil Christmas tree lights of Thanos. The music will be really loud and if you’re watching the movie at home, you’ll have to turn it down a little (kind of an inconvenience). Some sort of gateway will open… I guess they have to throw the Infinity Gauntlet in there. If Joss Whedon is writing this one (unfortunately he probably will) then one of your most beloved characters will be like, “Bros, I gotta take that gauntlet and jump in the hole with it.”
“Don’t do it,” another character will say. “That will like totally kill you!”
The audience favorite will sort of smile and be like, “But I like, totally have to, don’t you know?”
The audience favorite will grab the gauntlet and jump into the transdimensional CGI meat grinder gateway with it. He’ll die, and it’ll be “sad” but it won’t really be that “sad” because when is the last time Joss Whedon ever killed off a character that didn’t come back? They always come back.
Sorry if I sound like a whiny little turd, but I’m a fan of superheroes, and I don’t like to see silly, predictable stuff. The human mind is an incredible tuning fork for all kinds of unbelievable stuff, and the universe rotates within itself like a bouquet of donuts twisted into an impossible shape. Please, highly paid Hollywood writers, I beg you – use the human mind to tune into something interesting!