Kai the Hatchet-Wielding Homefree Hero

By Kyle B. Stiff

 The latest hero to grace America with his presence is a Canadian who calls himself KAI. How old is he? He can’t call it. Ask him where he’s from and he’ll answer with a lie followed by a funny face. He likes to surf and wander the earth and he’s not real big on working full-time. But if you run into trouble, he’s the dude you want at your back.

kai the hitch hiker

For the handful of you all who have never heard of him, and are possibly logging onto the internet for the very first time and stumbled onto this page and need to catch up really quick, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version of Kai: He was hitch-hiking around California and was picked up by a well-to-do psychopath. The psycho started bragging about raping a fourteen year old girl (which he paid to do), then told Kai that he was Jesus and could do anything, then plowed his vehicle into a black man. He got out and grabbed the nearest lady. This is what we in America call a rampage, and it was only beginning. Fortunately Kai keeps a hatchet handy. He grabbed his trusty weapon and bashed the psychopath three times in the head, thus ending a shit-storm. A local news person came along and filmed this:

 

Basically the guy’s a badass vigilante and possibly even a messiah whose symbolic work is all about ushering in the Age of Aquarius. The establishment has already tried to woo him. He didn’t react against it like an angry fucktard pushing an ideology in a vain attempt to cultivate a personality, but he also hasn’t gone along with it and become the sad and laughable icon of a reality TV show. Here he is in an interview with so-and-so. Note how he’s equal parts friendly and awkward.

 

And here’s another interview where we learn a little about the dark stuff that scarred him early on. He could have become a violent goon or a manipulative little shit with a chip on his shoulder; instead, he became a hero. Damn, what a dude!

 

There’s things about Kai that make a lot of Americans uncomfortable. A conservative might respect the fact that he dispatched a psychopath with a hatchet, but Kai readily admits that he’s “jacked hella shit” from Wal-Mart and Target – which is a big no-no for hard-workin’ Americans who believe that a trip to Wal-Mart or Target is a reward for forty hours of hard labor every week. Kai’s hair is long and his philosophy on self-love and tolerating others sounds way too much like something Christ would say, and Christian conservatives hate that hippy shit. Not that he’s some liberal posterboy, either: Kai saw a psychopath laughing as he plowed his car into someone, and instead of calling the police and waiting for them to show up forty-five minutes into the massacre, Kai pulled out a hatchet and took out the trash on his own. (Then again, the psychopath wasn’t using a gun, so it’s not like the incident could be used politically – whoops, I went there!) Also, Kai’s speech and mannerisms show that he doesn’t give a shit about looking intelligent or educated or even especially civilized. One video even shows him talking about a theory concerning how the earth’s molten center is somehow analogous to a battery; you won’t find that in any textbook, and liberals hate fringe theories. So he’s rough as hell around the edges. Most characters that we see on TV are usually tailored to appeal to one of the two camps into which America has been divided, but Kai is a blast of fresh air; he doesn’t fit on any grayscale spectrum.

Not that I’m on some moral high horse looking down on “normal” people that don’t “get” Kai. This heroic dude would have little to do with me in real life. I’m chained to my computer most of the day, I worry about money, my little home looks as if it’s been built around a TV which looks no different from an altar of religious devotion, and my poor Xbox has been rode hard an’ hung up wet, as they say. He would probably think that my morbid fascination with how he dealt with a psychopath is evidence of my own ghoulish character; I’m like a redneck mostly hemmed in by routine rather than a well-rounded person with the strength to relax and enjoy life.

flare_surfing3

Then again, maybe not! If we consult the opening text of the Book of Heroes, the first chapter in the Third Testament, it clearly says that King Kai’s first words to humanity at large were:

No matter what you done, you deserve respect. Even if you make mistakes, you’re loveable. And it doesn’t matter, your looks, skills, or age, your size, or anything – you’re worthwhile. No one can ever take that away from you.

Thanks, Kai! You’ve inspired me to take up the Hatchet of Truth. And if I get pinned between somethin’, I won’t move that shit (otherwise I’ll bleed out).

old-lady-surfing

 Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.

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