Kai the Hatchet-Wielding Homefree Hero

By Kyle B. Stiff

 The latest hero to grace America with his presence is a Canadian who calls himself KAI. How old is he? He can’t call it. Ask him where he’s from and he’ll answer with a lie followed by a funny face. He likes to surf and wander the earth and he’s not real big on working full-time. But if you run into trouble, he’s the dude you want at your back.

kai the hitch hiker

For the handful of you all who have never heard of him, and are possibly logging onto the internet for the very first time and stumbled onto this page and need to catch up really quick, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version of Kai: He was hitch-hiking around California and was picked up by a well-to-do psychopath. The psycho started bragging about raping a fourteen year old girl (which he paid to do), then told Kai that he was Jesus and could do anything, then plowed his vehicle into a black man. He got out and grabbed the nearest lady. This is what we in America call a rampage, and it was only beginning. Fortunately Kai keeps a hatchet handy. He grabbed his trusty weapon and bashed the psychopath three times in the head, thus ending a shit-storm. A local news person came along and filmed this:

 

Basically the guy’s a badass vigilante and possibly even a messiah whose symbolic work is all about ushering in the Age of Aquarius. The establishment has already tried to woo him. He didn’t react against it like an angry fucktard pushing an ideology in a vain attempt to cultivate a personality, but he also hasn’t gone along with it and become the sad and laughable icon of a reality TV show. Here he is in an interview with so-and-so. Note how he’s equal parts friendly and awkward.

 

And here’s another interview where we learn a little about the dark stuff that scarred him early on. He could have become a violent goon or a manipulative little shit with a chip on his shoulder; instead, he became a hero. Damn, what a dude!

 

There’s things about Kai that make a lot of Americans uncomfortable. A conservative might respect the fact that he dispatched a psychopath with a hatchet, but Kai readily admits that he’s “jacked hella shit” from Wal-Mart and Target – which is a big no-no for hard-workin’ Americans who believe that a trip to Wal-Mart or Target is a reward for forty hours of hard labor every week. Kai’s hair is long and his philosophy on self-love and tolerating others sounds way too much like something Christ would say, and Christian conservatives hate that hippy shit. Not that he’s some liberal posterboy, either: Kai saw a psychopath laughing as he plowed his car into someone, and instead of calling the police and waiting for them to show up forty-five minutes into the massacre, Kai pulled out a hatchet and took out the trash on his own. (Then again, the psychopath wasn’t using a gun, so it’s not like the incident could be used politically – whoops, I went there!) Also, Kai’s speech and mannerisms show that he doesn’t give a shit about looking intelligent or educated or even especially civilized. One video even shows him talking about a theory concerning how the earth’s molten center is somehow analogous to a battery; you won’t find that in any textbook, and liberals hate fringe theories. So he’s rough as hell around the edges. Most characters that we see on TV are usually tailored to appeal to one of the two camps into which America has been divided, but Kai is a blast of fresh air; he doesn’t fit on any grayscale spectrum.

Not that I’m on some moral high horse looking down on “normal” people that don’t “get” Kai. This heroic dude would have little to do with me in real life. I’m chained to my computer most of the day, I worry about money, my little home looks as if it’s been built around a TV which looks no different from an altar of religious devotion, and my poor Xbox has been rode hard an’ hung up wet, as they say. He would probably think that my morbid fascination with how he dealt with a psychopath is evidence of my own ghoulish character; I’m like a redneck mostly hemmed in by routine rather than a well-rounded person with the strength to relax and enjoy life.

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Then again, maybe not! If we consult the opening text of the Book of Heroes, the first chapter in the Third Testament, it clearly says that King Kai’s first words to humanity at large were:

No matter what you done, you deserve respect. Even if you make mistakes, you’re loveable. And it doesn’t matter, your looks, skills, or age, your size, or anything – you’re worthwhile. No one can ever take that away from you.

Thanks, Kai! You’ve inspired me to take up the Hatchet of Truth. And if I get pinned between somethin’, I won’t move that shit (otherwise I’ll bleed out).

old-lady-surfing

 Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.

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The Fall of Pope Benedict and the Rise of Petrus Romanus

By Kyle B. Stiff

 Did you guys know that there’s a chance that the next pope to sit on the massive golden throne may be the last?

 Here’s the deal. Around 1590 a monk wrote a list of all the popes and included a description of each. The names and descriptions were like riddles, and usually involved where the pope came from, or his family’s coat of arms, or something noteworthy he’d done. Where things get strange is that the monk continued his list and wrote descriptions of the popes who would come much, much later – up to and including the very last pope, an enigmatic figure he called Petrus Romanus, or Peter the Roman.

 Josef-Ratzinger-Pope-Benedict-XVI.-Born-1927.-Mass.-Vatican.-Incense.-1ab.

So the list was prophetic. If you think that prophecy is total bullshit (and who could blame you?), then I suggest you stop reading here. I would also suggest leaving this strange reality and moving to a dimension where inanimate matter doesn’t spontaneously create itself and then arrange itself into sentient self-replicating organisms that exist within the confines of something as slippery as time which seems to change its properties depending on how fast you move or how close you stand to a black hole – in other words, a dimension where things “make sense” and unfathomable mysteries don’t abound at every turn.

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So here’s a few examples of the Prophecy of the Popes. Just to show you what the riddling system looks like, here’s a few popes that were a matter of historical record before the prophecy was published:

Celestine II was given the descriptor From a castle of the Tiber.

Literal interpretation: He was born in Citti di Castello (formerly called Tiberinum), which was on the banks of the Tiber river.

Urban III was called Pig in a sieve.

Literal interpretation: His family name Crivelli means sieve, and his family’s coat of arms showed two pigs and a sieve.

As for popes who came long after the prophecy was written, here are a couple of examples:

Pope Urban VIII was called Lily and rose.

Literal interpretation: This pope that came to power in 1623 was a native of Florence, which had a red lily on its coat of arms.

Clement XIV was called Swift bear.

Literal interpretation: This pope, who came to power in 1769, had a family crest with a running bear.

Strange, isn’t it? Of course, not all the popes neatly match their prophetic descriptions. This could be due to the fact that 1) seeing into the future is impossible, or 2) understanding the future is just as difficult as understanding the past or present.

POPE BENEDICT WAVES TO FAITHFUL DURING MASS IN NAPLES

What about the past two popes, Pope John Paul II and the kindly ex-Nazi known as Pope Benedict XVI?

John Paul II was called From the labor of the sun.

Literal interpretation: Dude was born and buried on the day of a solar eclipse. Also comes from Krakow, the birthplace of Copernicus, a heretic who believed that the earth revolved around the sun.

Benedict XVI AKA Josef Ratzinger was called Glory of the olive.

Literal interpretation: This one’s pretty weak. Ratzinger chose the name Benedict after Saint Benedict of Nursia, founder of the Benedictine Order, and whose rule had something to do with the Olivetan Order.

And now there’s only one more on the list, a final pope that we have yet to see. He’s called Petrus Romanus, and unlike the other popes, he has a long and strange description. Here’s a translation of it:

In the extreme persecution of the Holy Roman Church, there will sit

Peter the Roman, who will pasture his sheep in many tribulations,

And when these things are finished,

The city of seven hills [Rome]

Will be destroyed,

And the terrible judge will judge his people.

THE END.

There’s a lot of interesting things about this prophecy. It was written from the perspective of someone living in the late 1500s, so he most likely thought that the Catholic Church was at the forefront in the battle to make the world a civil and decent place. These days we associate the Catholic Church with child molestation scandals complete with under-the-table coverups, sermons about tithing given from a dude sitting on a golden throne, and an awkwardly hostile “Hold the line!” stance against birth control even though there are currently seven billion humans buzz-sawing their way through resources like the undead freaks you see in those annoyingly repetitive zombie movies. Seen from that perspective, the prospect that the Catholic Church might soon face its final battle and then trouble us no more naturally leads to curiosity rather than fear.

Let's not worry so much about all that New Testament noise about loving your fellow man and “blessed be the peacemakers” and yadda yadda, we get it already Jesus! Guys there are like some really cool parts in the Old Testament where God is just this huge sociopath who likes it when people do what he says, and he straight up kills them if they don't. For instance, how are we going to deal with fags? Let's go with the Old Testament on that one. Makes sense to me. - Pope Vader

Pope Vader says: Let’s not worry so much about all that New Testament noise about loving your fellow man and “blessed be the peacemakers” and yadda yadda, we get it already Jesus! Guys there are like some really cool parts in the Old Testament where God is just this huge sociopath who likes it when people does what he says, and he straight up kills them if they don’t. For instance, how are we going to deal with fags? Let’s go with the Old Testament on that one. Makes sense to me.

Then again, who really wants to see atheists become even more overly self-assured in the wake of the destruction of the Catholic Church? Which group is more annoying, the one that’s pushing the idea that humans are born evil and need to feel guilty, or the group that’s pushing the idea that inanimate and organic matter are all based on an increasingly complex series of accidents?

Real world = not very believable.

Real world = not very believable.

And then there’s the figure of Petrus Romanus himself. For one thing, it’s a cool name. The Catholics claim Saint Peter as their founder. He was Christ’s right-hand man who showed just a tiny bit of complete and total abject cowardice when the shit hit the fan – not that we can blame him when you consider that the Romans soon became famous for throwing Christians into wood-chippers surrounded by a blood-hungry audience. Peter was called “The Rock” because he was the rock on which the Catholic Church was built; he was considered the first pope. And now the last pope is called Peter the Roman, which is a fusion of rebel and tyrant, outsider and establishment, Jedi and Sith.

Beyond pimp. Gaudy = Godlike?

Beyond pimp. Gaudy = Godlike?

Just what is this character going to be like? Will he be one more bureaucrat shuffling child molesting wolves from one parish to another? Will he be a John Connor “leader of the human resistance” type of dude leading his flock in an endless war against condom-wearing Terminators? Or more like Darth Vader using the divine Force to hunt down modern-day gnostic Jedi? Or perhaps a boring combination of all three?!

I realize this is all rampant speculation, but it’s a wonder to me. We become used to going to work, then the grocery, then a little Netflix before bedtime – and then the cycle repeats and we start to believe that that’s reality, eternal and insistent and dependable. But from a higher perspective, it’s easy to see that nations are born and then collapse, beliefs change and build on top of new ideas, savagery and gluttony lurk just behind the mask of civility, and all of that may be happening in other worlds and other dimensions with strange inhabitants all doing their best to manipulate things like matter, fores like electricity and gravity, or even time itself. None of those things are solid. Maybe the ornate rituals of Catholic pageantry are echoes of visions of crystal cities seen through the lens of DMT, where ideas and souls are bartered in an economy beyond our understanding; maybe our lives are echoes or shadows of those higher dimensions. From that perspective, it’s no logical leap to wonder if the life of the next pope will resonate with the idea of Petrus Romanus, whose battle is only just beginning.

The golden echo of one divine note.

The golden echo of one divine note.

*     *     *

Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.

Give Me Blood O My Readers

Hey readers, I just wanted to give my thanks to all of you that have been reading Demonworld and Heavy Metal Thunder. (Of course, I’m opening this post with a thanks because I’m about to ask for something. Typical behavior for me, I know.)

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Demonworld doesn’t get advertised on billboards or bookstore handouts. My advertising budget is exactly zero dollars. People only find out about Demonworld by word of mouth or the occasional (and probably accidental) highlight from Amazon in the form of “customers who bought this also bought…” So the people who find Demonworld have to go out of their way to find it. They’re seekers who want more than the usual offering. So for those of you out there reading Demonworld… THANKS. I mean that. You’ve given me the opportunity to tell stories, and I’m eternally grateful for that.

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So here’s what I want. More people buy the first book than any other. That makes sense: A lot of people get the first book, then think, “Oh good Lord, this is not what I thought it was going to be.” However, people who get the second book tend to read the entire series (which is up to five books as of now). There’s a decent chunk of people reading the series, but reviews for each book are still in the single digits! I don’t know if you guys know this, but reviews sell books.

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So… let’s get some reviews! Demonworld needs you. Little Wodi needs you. Kyle B. Stiff needs you. If you’ve got five minutes, please check out my Amazon author page, pick a book, and show Demonworld some love!

''Antichrist'' by Pedro Donini

Because sellin’ them books is the only way we’re ever going to see some Demonworld movies.

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Some Ridonkulous Mass Effect Fan Fiction

As much as it may piss off readers of Demonworld who want me to keep my nose to the proverbial grindstone, I took a little time off to write some Mass Effect fan fiction. I know, I know.

I think Indoctrination Theory makes for a better ending, especially when you consider that the “happy” canon endings unwittingly make for nightmarish scenarios. If you picked the Destroy option at the end of Mass Effect 3, then check out my extremely short story The Crush: Shepard’s Final Mission. If you picked the Control ending, check out a little story I call Big Goddamn Hero. What, you picked Synthesis? If that’s the case, then check out The Ghost.

Captain Kirrahe says, "Ready every line."

Captain Kirrahe says, “Read every line.”

You want to see an outline for a game called Mass Effect 4: Indoctrination Theory? I’ve got that right here.

Mass Effect 4: Indoctrination Theory

Want to read my outline for a sequel to Mass Effect 3 that involves the controversial Indoctrination Theory? Click here and check it out!

"I'll take it from here, Shepard."

“I’ll take it from here, Shepard.”