My Star Wars Fanfiction Is Complete, Now My Life Is My Own

I wrote an entire Star Wars book for fanfiction websites just for the hell of it. Star Wars Episode VII: A Corpse Through Which the Force Speaks is supposed to replace the pitiful sequel trilogy that we got. It focuses on a team of stormtroopers trying to survive in a galaxy dominated by aliens after the fall of the Empire.

It’s #2 in “right wing” stories on Wattpad… not that that’s anything to brag about, Wattpad is pretty left-leaning, it’s mostly young girls with their bios reading like a laundry list of pronouns, mental illnesses, and rainbow emojis, and all they want to read about is Draco Malfoy taking big loads from Naruto. So “right wing” doesn’t have a lot of competition. My story is doing a little better on Royal Road L, possibly because it has more male readers.

That author with a story listed at #3, Benjamin Stahl, should be a published author with a massive reputation, rather than languishing in some obscure corner of the internet. Everything he writes is ridiculously good. It’s just “the state of the world” etc etc etc etc etc the ride never ends.

And for those of you wondering if I gave up on Demonworld to write someone else’s story, NO, believe it or not writing this didn’t take any time away from Demonworld. In fact I figured out new ways to carve out more time for writing. Putting away video games helped a lot. But I am working hard on Demonworld Book 9: MIND VIRUS and I won’t slow down before going straight into Demonworld Book 10, which will be the final installment in the story of Wodi.

Did SNES Classic “Earthbound” Foreshadow the Trial of Kyle Rittenhouse?

By Kyle B. Stiff

As we delve deeper into these strange apocalyptic times, even the most level-headed skeptics are waking up in a cold sweat as they come to the realization that our current struggles were prophecied in pop culture long ago. The latest example: Kyle Rittenhouse’s battle in the streets of Kenosha was foretold in the video game Earthbound (or Mother 2) twenty-seven years before it came to pass.

There’s a lot of similarities between Kyle Rittenhouse and Ness, the protagonist of Earthbound. They are both young and tough, and driven to right wrongs. Some of you who are already rolling your eyes need to remember that Kyle wasn’t cruising around Kenosha looking for victims to shoot, but had already spent the day cleaning up graffiti, and was protecting a car lot with some friends, which is about as much of a video game mission setup as I have ever seen.

Ness investigates his hometown of Onett and finds out that a gang of criminal scumbags called the Sharks have taken over an arcade, and normal people can’t stand up to them. In Earthbound, the Sharks are just delinquints who like to make trouble, but in the real world, the rioters were a combination of Communists (like Grosskreutz), cluster B types with malfunctioning brains (like pedophile “Lil Jo Jo” Rosenbaum and skateboard-wielding Anthony Huber), and just bullies in general. In both Earthbound and in reality, the streets were no longer safe for normal people, and for some strange reason, the police were doing nothing. (In our world, they were too busy “taking a knee” and simping for people who hate them.)

In both the game and in reality, normal people lost control of their cities. Unlike most people (like me) who see stuff like this and think, “OH WELL! HOPE IT DOESN’T AFFECT ME!” both Ness and Kyle decided to stand up to evil. Kyle armed himself and stood by a car lot, wating for trouble with his teammates, and in the game, Ness took up his baseball bat and fought against the criminal Sharks.

In both cases, the bad guys got utterly BTFO… and the heroes stood alone. Both battles involved bad guys wielding skateboards as weapons. In both cases, the heroes turned themselves in to the police. And in both cases, the police were crooked!

In Earthbound, Ness was forced to fight a police force possessed by Giygas, the game’s antagonist. Ness fixes them by beating the crap out of them. In our world, Kyle had to sit and listen to slimy detectives on the witness stand who suddenly can’t remember, couldn’t see, and couldn’t hear anything. Their city was burning, overrun with cluster B’s inconsolable with rage despite being on every behavior modification drug known to man, and yet the crooked cops were seemingly spending their time in sensory deprivation chambers, totally out of the loop on anything that was going on. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so obvious what was happening.

Whether all of Earthbound will turn out to be prophetic, or if only the Onett chapter of the game foretold our era, remains to be seen.

Modern World Creates a Psychic Split from Female Nature

The modern world (and especially the modern left) is creating a total psychic split from female nature. They advertise: “being a woman is great! … as long as you’re like a man.” You can’t suppress human nature (the soul), so when you try to, the results are jarring. People made a big deal about 40 Shades of Gray at the time, but guess what, all fanfiction websites are basically 40 Shades remixed with Netflix characters, Disney characters, Harry Potter, race fetish etc. On rare occasions when female authors address this, it always comes out like Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix. “Just a coincidence! Don’t look too deeply into it!”

Male nature (good and bad) has always been on display, no punches are pulled in stories about men’s failings, our nature is catalogued in history books, even children’s cartoons show the basic truths about what men are like. With women there is unacknowledged terror surrounding a revelation of female nature. This is why the ultimate “victory” of the modern world is to finally bury female nature and roll the heaviest stone over the grave that has ever been rolled over anything that needed to be hidden. Big Pharma is one of the biggest players involved in this. “Don’t like how you feel? Take these magic pills and turn your soul into a different shape.” It’s no mistake that women are the ones lining up for psychiatric treatment. Why wouldn’t they? Their soul has been hidden from them, so they have no idea what they are experiencing; from moment to moment each woman believes she is experiencing something totally unique to her which must be figured out. I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me why I’m not happy, my situation is obvious, men are made to struggle and gain power, money, influence, serve someone of higher rank as long as I benefit from the service, and also be able to take out my frustrations on those who rank beneath me, and if I ever get confused about those very simple rules, I have seven thousand years of records regarding basic male nature to remind me.

But the female psyche is so deeply buried that looking for it is like Mario going from castle to castle looking for the princess, but he finds only a mushroom person who tells him, “The princess is in another castle” etc etc until pretty much he just ends up fighting the whole world, one lifetime after the next, which is just another way to learn more about the nature of men really. But I think this is an important question because right now only the worst creatures are thriving in the current environment, mainly, Big Pharma and propaganda streaming services.

tl;dr Women aren’t oppressed by men but by evil wizards

***

Hey guys I know this post was a bit scatterbrained, just some ideas I wanted to get out there so I could get them out of my head. For a more reasonable read, my newest book, Demonworld Book 8: The Hunt for Maggot-Face, is currently available for pre-order.

Demonworld Book 8: The Hunt for Maggot-Face

Demonworld Book 8: The Hunt for Maggot-Face is now available for pre-order! The ebook version drops on August 20, and I’m formatting the paperback as quickly as I can.

The Hunt for Maggot-Face takes the series in an unexpected direction, but then again, maybe that’s only to be expected after the ending to Demonworld Book 7: The Demon War.

For those of you tired of waiting for this series to be completed, don’t worry, I’m already working on Demonworld Book 9: MIND VIRUS. The real world is falling apart at the seams, so I’m going to do my best to buckle down and finish Demonworld. It’s only ten books, so we’re getting close to the end. You guys have waited long enough!

Godzilla vs Kong: It’s Time for Libtards and Nazis to Stop Fighting

By Kyle B. Stiff

Lots of seemingly simple action movies are actually pretty deep symbolic reflections on the world we live in. The Thing and Invasion of the Body Snatchers were about a Communist takeover, Tron was about God being born as Christ, the Star Wars prequel trilogy was about the rise of the Zionist neocons or the Deep State, and The Matrix is about coming out as trans (I don’t know about that last one, that’s just what I’ve heard), and so on – you get the idea. Godzilla vs Kong was badass but what really got to me is that it seemed like an obvious allegory for the civil war between Nazis and Libtards (or conservatives and liberals) which is raging in America right now.

Warning: There will be spoilers. If you’re looking for a review, then just go and see it, it’s great. This is more about schizo rambling.

Our story opens with Kong lying around depressed in his cuck cage. We have all seen plenty of memes about the liberal utopia of renting a tiny loft with zero privacy in a huge, crowded urban center, and Kong’s panopticon fits the bill perfectly. Even though it looks like what he imagines would be a perfect environment for him, he hates it, and he chimps out on a regular basis by destroying parts of his green-gilded cage.

Another thing that puts Kong in the same category as liberals is that he is a massive simp. He is always in love with an unattainable woman. We have to cut him some slack for this because his character was envisioned in the 1930s, when we really didn’t know any better. We didn’t know that eventually we would wind up in a dystopian hellworld filled with sad man-babies paying tons of money for girls to pose naked on OnlyFans and pretend to be their girlfriends. We didn’t know Twitch thots would be showing their tits and doing pilates for the open-mouthed wonderment of neckbeards abandoned by the world. It’s beyond sad, and it seems like a bizarre oddity of the modern world, but unfortunately it’s probably just the end result of many decades of imagining that we can break down every social norm without any consequences. And this is why Kong ends up hanging out with some human girl rather than his own people. In fact every King Kong movie pretty much always has him chasing after human girls rather than his own people!

Kong’s story is always a tragedy because he ends up chained and trapped in some kind of urban nightmare, just as liberals are always drawn to the utopian dream of big city glamor. Of course the dream always turns into a nightmare, because you can’t squeeze that many people into a confined space, have them work jobs that are totally abstract, and expect to end up as anything but a nervous wreck on psych meds. “But at least I’m not in some shitty flyover state!” you can almost imagine the real-world version of Kong saying.

As for Godzilla, he represents the modern conservative, or Nazi as they’re called by liberals. Godzilla is hyper-masculinized, he roams around looking for a fight, he “only recognizes and respects strength” as Hillary said of Republicans. He has a reptilian brain and instead of crying over females, he only wants to establish dominance hierarchies through brute force. He also despises outsiders, as we saw in Godzilla: King of the Monsters, when he fought against an alien menace in order to become the alpha of alphas. If Kong’s main priority is lying around in the jungle and avoiding work (and remember that work is practically seen as evil, or at least an invention of capitalism, by modern Communists), then Godzilla’s main priority would be creating “order through force”, much the same way a police force or a military is put in place in order to minimize chaos (counterintuitive as that may be).

Godzilla may be an unlearned brute, but he is also not a simp. I like to think of Mothra as his girl, but let’s face it, they aren’t having sex. Sex is, by its nature, too gay for Godzilla to get involved in. His only purpose is to fight and establish boundaries of territory. In our modern American civil war, probably the ultimate irony is that liberals are lining up conservatives to be doxxed, fired, unpersoned, and perhaps eventually killed, when what they should be doing is using conservatives as border guards and cannon fodder so that the urbanite lifestyle will be protected, rather than doomed to fall apart through neglect and, eventually, conquered by foreign powers who didn’t dispose of their version of conservatives but instead armed them and trained them for war.

The story heats up when King Kong finds Monke Atlantis and equips the Sword of Harambe and then Godzilla throws up so hard that it digs a hole through the earth for Kong to get pooped out of so they can whoop each other’s ass in the middle of an entire city that is nothing but Chinatown. Laugh like a pleb if you must but true noblemen understand that this is great cinema. But anyway these monsters beat the shit out of each other and destroy the city, which is a pretty obvious parallel for what is going on now, as America and the internet are writhing in torment while Cain and Abel are trying to kill each other.

Then the REAL threat makes itself known. That’s right, while Godzilla thought he had to beat up some simp just to establish dominance, and while Kong thought he had to beat up a mean, uneducated lizard just for “being on the wrong side of HERstory,” what was really going on is that a huge megacorporation was creating a robot monster called MECHA-GODZILLA, and it was programmed to teabag the entire world, and not just white people, but even minorities and trans people, too. It was coming after everybody, which is a complete disaster.

What does this represent? It represents corporations coming into power and controlling politicians directly, making retarded debates about conservative and liberal talking points A COMPLETE NON-ISSUE. That’s right, while empowered liberal women were urinating on the steps of the Supreme Court, and while autistic MAGAtards were watching Ben Shapiro videos for tips on how to debate with Communists on facebook, the real power players who control Big Media, Big Banks, Big Tech, Big Pharma, and every other bigass corporation, were figuring out how to use demonic mind control sorcery to turn the world into a prison labor camp.

Neither Kong nor Godzilla had any idea that Mecha-Godzilla was about to shit on them, just as, in our world, sunken-chests in Che Guevara shirts and 6’3” dudes in dresses have failed to notice that every corporate power is suddenly pushing hardcore leftist ideals, and yet they still think they’re taking part in a grassroots revolution. As mind-bogglingly stupid as this is, conservatives, don’t get a big head, as you guys are fighting tooth and nail to defend the rights of Big Tech and Big Media who are fighting tooth and nail to shut you up forever. As far as Team Mecha-Godzilla is concerned, both of you idiots deserve to be put on the wall and shot alongside each other!

The great thing about this movie is that our boys put aside their differences and cooperate to give Mecha-Godzilla an atomic colonoscopy. The lesson here is obvious: The Libtards and the Nazis need to set aside their mutual disgust for one another and turn on the real bad guys. They need to use their mutual paranoia to hunt down guys who own islands with weird temples on them. The billionaires who meet at Bohemian Grove and say prayers to bizarre idols. The bonkers celebrities who seem to be on the same page about every single issue. And of course the “dual citizenship” billionaires who seem to be calling the shots in countries that aren’t their own.

The cool thing about the ending of this movie is that Kong and Godzilla don’t give each other a friendly reach-around. They grudgingly accept each other – for now, at least – and then they go their separate ways. This is good because it means the Libtards and the Nazis don’t have to become friends. Liberals and conservatives aren’t meant to be friends, they don’t even have to like or respect one another. They just have to use their special God-given traits to root out danger and unmask it. This will never happen as long as liberals are hunting down conservatives, and conservatives are shilling for corporations who hate them.

What are the chances that we’ll set aside our differences? Pretty slim. Honestly, I don’t think we will. Libtards have no interest in history, and they’re famously bad at pattern recognition, so they’ll never see that killing off conservatives is a losing battle. They’ll kill their own defenders and then one day they’ll say, “Hey wait a minute, who are all these foreign soldiers who aren’t #celebratingPoC and who won’t acknowledge that #TransRightsAreHUMANRights? Oh well guess I’ll just face the wall!”

And conservatives are just as stupid, if not more so. They foolishly believe that freedom will release human potential rather than empower evil. They don’t understand that freedom turns average people into self-involved hedonists, turns good people into weak people, and turns evil people into powerhouses who can destroy anything they want. It is a bitter day for conservatives when they realize that America isn’t failing because people are abandoning the Constitution; it is failing because freedom is doing what freedom does.

So in our reality, what’s likely to happen is that Kong will beat Godzilla to death, then he’ll pound his chest in exultation, then he’ll brag to Mecha-Godzilla about what a good ape he is, then Mecha-Godzilla will fit him with a slave collar, then a price tag, and then he’ll psychically beam new orders into his mind with his mainstream media thought control machine.

Then the real-world equivalent of Kong will be a slave forever.

Some other posts I’ve written about big kaiju monsters…

Godzilla’s Revenge: A Misunderstood Movie for Those With Enlarged IQ, Only Serious Brainiacs Need Apply

Godzilla King of the Monsters: Hello, Illuminati! Can I Please Watch a Godzilla Movie Without Your Dumb Ideas in It? Thank You!

Star Wars Episode 7: A Corpse Through Which the Force Speaks

My idea for the conclusion to the Skywalker saga is called Star Wars Episode 7: A Corpse Through Which the Force Speaks, and you can read it HERE. Think of it like a weekly serial.

The premise is that after the defeat of the pro-human Empire, the Rebels created a New Republic in which aliens have precedence over humans. Forced diversity becomes the new pillar upon which galactic civilization is built. Borders protecting human worlds are erased, and human children are taught to scorn their history. While there’s lots of familiar characters, the story focuses on a group of special forces stormtroopers forced to survive in a dystopian galaxy in which aliens call the shots, and humans are hated for the crime of existing.

Sound familiar?

STAR WARS EPISODE 7: A CORPSE THROUGH WHICH THE FORCE SPEAKS

Problems with The Mandalorian

Note: There will be spoilers, so be careful!

I wanted to like this series but it has some problems. The biggest problem is that the series’ writer shows a marked inability to create and manage tension.

It’s natural for a writer to put their characters in difficult situations, and even end on a cliffhanger so that readers will wonder how the characters will get out of a fix. BUT you have to be careful! If you put your heroes in an impossible situation, but then they somehow slip free or even overcome their foes, the sense of danger is lost. Let’s say our character is in an alley and a gunman pops out and demands his money. Maybe our hero runs, and the thief tries to shoot, but it turns out he doesn’t know how to shoot, or the gun was never loaded, or our hero is actually a gold medal-winning sprinter… whatever the case, those aren’t completely unrealistic scenarios. NOW imagine that it’s not one gunman catching our hero, but four, or six or ten. And our hero is surrounded! How will he get out of this situation???

The thing is, he probably shouldn’t. At this point he should probably be taken prisoner, or he has to negotiate, or he has to give the thieves what they want and hope for the best, or maybe it turns out a sidekick or some allies suddenly show up. The LAST thing you want to do is have the hero pick up a board and fight seven armed men, or have him jump through an open window or leap into the sewer (how did he get there before somebody shot him?). It’s unrealistic, and once a writer does something like that, the sense of immersion is broken. Once I see this, I know the heroes are immortal. Even if they get hurt, or even killed, they’ll be right back in the next episode.

The Mandalorian breaks this rule over and over again!!!

How many times did the Mandalorian get surrounded and end up fighting overwhelming odds? It’s just not believable. In the finale of the first season, the writer even has a terrible SNL-type comedy sketch in which two stormtroopers are unable to shoot a nearby target. But then a few minutes later, I’m supposed to feel tension when the heroes are surrounded by stormtroopers. Really? Why? The writer already showed me that the stormtroopers are weak and can’t hit a target; in fact, they’ve been shown to be objects of ridicule. If anything, I should feel sorry for the human stormtroopers forced to fight the Mandalorian and his immortal sidekicks – they’re never going to make it!

I have to admit I couldn’t finish the season finale. Once the writer placed a GIANT entrance to the sewer in the bar where our heroes were cornered (you ever seen anything like that in real life?), and then had a side character (the blacksmith lady) fight some random stormtroopers to the death for no reason (hint: writers do stuff like that when they want to write a character out of the story, but can’t come up with a good reason), I had to quit watching. At this point it seems the franchise is just riding on nostalgia, and has nothing new to offer viewers. Just like Marvel movies, the Mandalorian is doomed to become sketch comedy. Instead of showing any depth or revealing new concepts within a familiar setting, there will only be dull moments of interaction with characters dressed in the costumes of our childhood, and it will feel like a sitcom: “Ha ha can you believe he said that? So random!” etc.

No thanks.

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER!

Now, even though I couldn’t finish the first season finale, I skipped ahead to the second season finale because, thanks to one too many YouTube thumbnails, I already knew who was going to make an appearance. I wanted to see how it would play out. Talk about disappointing! Once again the writer had our heroes completely surrounded. Only this time, instead of having the Mandalorian surrounded by an army of wimps, the writer had him surrounded by an army of supposedly badass droids. This might have been interesting, but unfortunately this wasn’t my first Mandalorian rodeo, so I knew the heroes were in absolutely no danger.

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER I’M WARNING YOU, DEPART NOW IF YOU DON’T ALREADY KNOW!!!

So Luke Skywalker shows up and mows down the bad guys. This would be cool, as it’s actually believable for a Jedi of his caliber to display that level of power. Plus it’s cool to see a version of Luke who isn’t considering killing his nephew because he caught him having a bad dream. BUT the scene with Luke talking to the Mandalorian was incredibly wooden! I couldn’t help but wonder if this was some kind of LUKE DROID sent to fool our heroes. “I AM LUKE, I AM JEDI, YOU GIVE ME BABY NOW YES,” he said while his head stood fixed in place, solidly within the uncanny valley of semi-lifelike animatronics. If you don’t believe me, go back and watch Luke dealing with Jabba, where he plays it cool and stoic, yet you can still see him trying to master his fear, like any human. But as it played out in The Mandalorian, I can’t imagine such a scene appealing to anyone but the most open-mouthed redditor with his walls covered in Star Wars memorabilia.

THIS IS THE WAY

Okay one more thing. It bothers me that the Mandalorians all say, “This is the way” like some kind of hivemind automatons lifelessly reciting their basic programming. I wondered why this bothered me so much, and I think it’s because the writer probably embodies the new type of man – the modern consumer who is free of any beliefs or metanarrative beyond what commercial culture prescribes. So when he wants to describe a group like the Mandalorians, a group of warriors tied together by a shared culture of struggle, he doesn’t really know how to do that in a realistic manner. To him, a group of people who live and die by their beliefs is utterly alien. Being a modern man, he is “enlightened” and knows that no belief is worth dying for; in fact, one’s individual life should be extended as much as possible, even if it’s miserable and pointless. So when he describes people who live by their beliefs, he can only do so by having one of them adopt a sort of MK ULTRA-style rigidity and pronouncing, “This is the way,” to which his brothers and sisters also adopt a rigid demeanor and echo the response, “This is the way.”

It’s totally bizarre. But it’s interesting because I guess from the perspective of a modern bugman, having beliefs that have nothing to do with the materialistic consumer worldview is what’s bizarre! Try flipping it around if you don’t believe me. The next time Disney releases a product and you see it featured in an ad on your seventy inch high-def screen, say to the television, “CONSOOM PRODUCT, THIS IS THE WAY,” and see if it sounds sensible, or absurd!

ALSO: I almost forgot. How annoying was that ship repair lady? She was just like Moira from Fallout 3, and I guess that’s a new archetype because, in reality, you really don’t see too many women involved in repairing machines. We have grease monkey archetypes for male characters because we see that character in real life all time. It makes sense for writers to use the ready-made archetypes of either the eccentric repairman or the silent autistic repairman – those people are real, so we don’t blink when they show up in fiction. But I’ve never encountered a female repairman, and I’d be willing to bet money that you haven’t, either, buuuuuut we know we’re supposed to pretend that there are no differences between genders, so I guess when writers are trying to make a female repairman, they find this archetype of the Moira-style annoying eccentric “she can fix anything! AND she’s kooky!” bubbling up within the human unconscioius. It’s a little cringe though.

OH, ALSO: While we’re on the subject of women. Disney, I get that you guys believe that “the Force is female” but let’s ease up on that a little bit. Season one showed a female fighting a muscular man twice her size in some kind of impromtu arena in a bar… nobody buys it but low T nerds, but okay I’ll buy it when it’s ONE character. I’ll let you get away with ONE. But when I skipped ahead to the second season finale, I find out the Mandalorian has an entire team of “tough” women! Come on, guys! Really? Are we really going to just print out copies of the same “tough female” character over and over again? It’s getting ridiclous! Plus, in a few years, when NOBODY buys into the idea that both genders are one hundred percent the same, people will look back on this era of TOTALLY EMPOWERED WIMIN and roll their eyes. I mean it’s just the same character over and over again!

If you want to write a strong woman, look at examples from the past, before recent trends. Princess Leia, Ellen Ripley from Alien, Hermione Grainger, plenty of examples from Star Trek – all of them are strong, smart, brave women, but they’re not special forces operators and champion pit fighters because why would they be? I realize modern writers think they’re inspiring women with these characters, but they’re not. They’re idolizing masculine features and in fact stating that a woman’s value comes from how manly she can be. This is absurd and as trends change, people will laugh at the 2010’s archetype of the “female war god” as this trend gives way to some other trend.

Movie Idea: THE FOOD OF THE GODS

By Kyle B. Stiff

The protagonist learns about something called “the food of the gods” which the rulers of the world eat on a regular basis. It gives them abilities beyond the human norm and makes it possible for them to outperform normal people in every way. This food is so potent that it even makes it possible for them to bend time to their will. As long as they eat the mysterious “food of the gods” then nothing is beyond their grasp.

I’m not sure what the protagonist is, some kind of detective, or Indiana Jones type professor, or whatever, he just solves mysteries by jumping around and beating the crap out of bad guys, and is a good dude all around. He wants to solve the mystery of the food of the gods. Unfortunately he’s not the only one, there’s also some kind of “new money” wealthy villain who wants to find the food, eat it, and sit among the rulers of the world. He’s insanely wealthy, a huge pervert, physically repulsive, basically a coomer who thinks the food of the gods is some kind of delicacy that only the most advanced coomer dilettantes can appreciate. For him, the food of the gods can’t be given to normal people, he thinks they’re cattle who don’t deserve such fine cuisine.

Anyway these two guys go around the world playing cat and mouse with each other. The protagonist does so much jumping around that the movie has to use CGI in order to keep up, which sucks, but oh well. Anyway in the end, the antagonist finds the mysterious food of the gods and the protagonist and his sidekicks are tied up. “Don’t eat the food!” they scream but the bad guy is like “ha ha ha too late!” and he starts shoveling it in his mouth. His face is contorted in coomer ecstasy – then something goes wrong. He starts screaming, black veins are throbbing all over his face, his eyes poke out like Schwarzenegger’s eyes in Total Recall. The food of the gods is too much for him!!! He screams in such inhuman agony that his face wrinkles up then peels back, exposing a screaming red skull moments before his head explodes.

The good guys break free and they’re about to escape, but the hero can’t walk away from the mysterious food of the gods. Just what is it? Where does its power come from??? The sidekicks plead with him, “don’t eat it, we have to get out of here!” But then the hero is like, “I must eat it” and he takes a bite. He starts screaming and we see from his perspective all of human history is downloaded into his brain, as he floats into the sky he achieves a godlike perspective, he sees the beings of all worlds working together or fighting in endless conflict, like pawns on a galactic chess board, he sees the Face of God and becomes God Looking at Himself through all eternity, then the universe reforms at his command, he finds out the universe is an endlessly malleable shape of absurd complexity which he now understands perfectly. But from the sidekicks’ perspective he is still floating in the air, screaming, lightning shattering the walls and coiling around him as he spins.

Finally the hero touches down, he is still alive and yet he has somehow consumed the food of the gods. He is now beyond human and could sit among the rulers of the planet if he chose to do so. As they make their way home the camera zooms in on the food of the gods and we find out it’s just sardines and crackers and a cup of lukewarm water.

As the credits roll we see a high energy montage as the hero crosses things off his to-do list. Every day he eats the food of the gods and so he has the power and extra time in which to mark off one item after another from his to-do list, he can’t be stopped, at one point he annihilates an entire list of chores before noon, turns and winks at the camera, then takes off flying with his stupid jacket fluttering in the wind. Meanwhile the rest of the human species are damned to spend the majority of their time and energy figuring out what the fuck they are going to eat and by the time they finally eat it, it’s time to go to bed and begin the process all over again. THE END.

TV Series Idea: The Alien Hunter

Got another TV show idea. It’s a short series called The Alien Hunter, and it’s about a guy who’s convinced aliens are covertly taking over the world and they’re using mind control to do it. The series starts out pretty whacky as the hero is over the top paranoid and nobody gets why he’s so adamant about this invasion scenario. Also people are put off by his endless accusations that they’ve been brainwashed by the aliens. Even though he’s always “on the case” he routinely accomplishes nothing. He’s also obsessed with fluoride, baby-eating pedophiles, Israel being Israel, the whole nine yards. HOWEVER…

HOWEVER! Things start to get weird as we slowly realize that every normal person he interacts with pretty much has the same response to everything he says. It starts to become obvious that he’s really interacting with the same person OVER AND OVER again, they just happen to be in a different body. In fact the normie mindset in general IS the alien, it’s what a person becomes when their mind has been wiped clean and replaced by the alien (which is noncorporeal, invisible and intangible). This whole time the alien meta-entity has been tormenting him, gaslighting him day in day out, until finally he ends up in a shooter situation blasting people who look normal but during the whole incident every person is like, “Aliens aren’t real HA HA it’s too far for them to fly here HA HA the science is settled HA HA probably most aliens are good HA HA you’re so paranoid what does that say about you HA HA” etc.

Oh, I almost forgot! 

Even though we never get to see any scary aliens, there are plenty of episodes in which the protagonist describes the aliens, as if he’s seen them himself. He’ll go into detail each time, with the camera slowly closing in as the soundtrack hangs on a dreadful, drawn out note. The alien description will of course sound completely different every time he describes them, and he’ll always end with, “… I’m pretty sure that’s how they look.”

Guardians of Animal Crossing

Got another game idea. This one’s called…

GUARDIANS OF ANIMAL CROSSING

The idea is that we get a bigger picture of how Animal Crossing works, and the way it works is that the relaxing good times and wholesome vibe of Animal Crossing is only possible because there are animals who man THE WALL surrounding the community of Animal Crossing. Not every animal can do it, but those who feel the calling must put on a uniform, pick up a rifle, and set their sights on gangs of vicious coyotes, fanatical snakes, big-beaked vultures, and all the other wild beasts who want to break into Animal Crossing and loot it.

You’ll have to be careful about your optics. If the gentle inhabitants of Animal Crossing knew the things you had to do to protect them, they would be horrified. Then again, growing up protected, they can’t imagine coyote cartel killings, or the snake blood rituals, or the incredibly advanced “divide and conquer” tactics that vultures use to destroy so many peaceful animal communities.

Things get interesting partway through the game when you realize the vultures have been sneaking propaganda INTO Animal Crossing… and some of the peaceful animals are falling for it! Animals start protesting, saying that the wall is a symbol of hatred, and that the Guardians of the wall MUST be defunded. Videos start going around showing all the times you’ve had to put down violent intruders. Things look even worse as Vulture Entertainment takes over the airwaves, subjecting animals to an endless tidal wave of tv shows and movies about poor, misunderstood vultures and snakes suffering under mammalian aggression.

In the end, you’ll have to make a choice. Do you try to make counterpropaganda populizaring the idea of protecting Animal Crossing? Or do you and your most trusted teammates form a DEATH SQUAD and sweep through Animal Crossing, putting down agitators and propogandists the old fashioned way?