I Had a Blast at NORMAL-CON!

by Kyle B. Stiff

normal con

Just like the title says, I had a total blast at Normal-Con! For those of you who don’t know, the subculture of “normality” is getting bigger and bigger all the time, and Normal-Con is a celebration of that. Twenty years ago hardly anyone had ever heard of normal, but these days all kinds of people are dressing up like normal people and talking about the normalest things imaginable. I took some pics while I was there. Check it out!

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As you can see, the place was packed with what can only be described as the most normal motherfuckers you will ever see!

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Believe it or not, I got to meet Herman Longmember, inventor of the extremely popular “office humor” poster that shows a hamster drinking a cup of coffee and it says, “I can’t suck a cock until I’ve had my coffee!”

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EVERYBODY was blown away by twelve-year-old Suzie Strokemember’s cosplay of an office alpha male!

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I got to see a fascinating PowerPoint presentation on how to change font sizes. The techniques I learned work in practically any situation – whether you’re writing an email in the office, at home, or even at the beach!

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This meeting took place in the hotel’s stadium-size bathroom. You can’t see it from this angle, but the two walls not pictured are lined with urinals (for number one) and doorless toilet stalls (for number two). I took this picture while in the middle of a sweaty forty-five minute battle with the twisted log I had jammed up in my guts!

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“Why wait until the last minute to plan next year’s Normal-Con?” said prestigious board member Harry Cox. “Let’s go ahead and plan that fucker while we’re here so we won’t end up in each other’s shit over a bunch of stupid shit, you know what I mean?”

I couldn’t agree more, Mister Cox!

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Here’s a picture of the super-prestigious founders of Normal-Con. Some of their suits might look a little iffy in terms of fashion, but believe me, dear readers, these people were at the height of normality in their time. Unfortunately attendance at the first Normal-Con was lower than expected because on the day Normal-Con opened its doors it just so happened that some guy down the street was trying to beat the Guinness world record for how many dicks he could fit in his mouth, so people were lining up around the block to see that. (In case you’re curious, he didn’t beat the record, but he was already the world record-holder so shit worked out in the end.)

Give Me Blood O My Readers

Hey readers, I just wanted to give my thanks to all of you that have been reading Demonworld and Heavy Metal Thunder. (Of course, I’m opening this post with a thanks because I’m about to ask for something. Typical behavior for me, I know.)

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Demonworld doesn’t get advertised on billboards or bookstore handouts. My advertising budget is exactly zero dollars. People only find out about Demonworld by word of mouth or the occasional (and probably accidental) highlight from Amazon in the form of “customers who bought this also bought…” So the people who find Demonworld have to go out of their way to find it. They’re seekers who want more than the usual offering. So for those of you out there reading Demonworld… THANKS. I mean that. You’ve given me the opportunity to tell stories, and I’m eternally grateful for that.

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So here’s what I want. More people buy the first book than any other. That makes sense: A lot of people get the first book, then think, “Oh good Lord, this is not what I thought it was going to be.” However, people who get the second book tend to read the entire series (which is up to five books as of now). There’s a decent chunk of people reading the series, but reviews for each book are still in the single digits! I don’t know if you guys know this, but reviews sell books.

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So… let’s get some reviews! Demonworld needs you. Little Wodi needs you. Kyle B. Stiff needs you. If you’ve got five minutes, please check out my Amazon author page, pick a book, and show Demonworld some love!

''Antichrist'' by Pedro Donini

Because sellin’ them books is the only way we’re ever going to see some Demonworld movies.

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Cloud Atlas: Formula for a Turd

One day I made the mistake of watching Cloud Atlas. I did this because I saw the trailer and thought the trailer was awesome. Not realizing that the trailer was a mishmash of formulaic horseshit designed to elicit an emotion from the viewer, I ended up feeling genuine surprise when, around hour four of this foot-long turd, I wanted to hunt down everyone associated with the production of this movie and put them so far deep in the ground that they would never be able to hurt us ever again.

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They went with “Everything is connected” only after the tagline “Everything is horseshit” was thumbs-downed by studio executives.

They went with “Everything is connected” only after the tagline “Everything is horseshit” was thumbs-downed by studio executives.

The Hunt for Demonworld Book 5

Captain Kyle B. Stiff stood at the prow of his futuristic warship while the crew rushed about, unsure of their roles or proper seating arrangement but still determined to find the fabled fifth Demonworld Book – Lords of the Black Valley.

One crew member approached the mad captain, who whirled on him dramatically. Captain Kyle B. Stiff was leathery beyond belief due to his frequent naps in the tanning bed while planning this endeavor. “Sir!” shouted the crew member. “When do you think we’ll find book five?”

“That’s easy!” said the Captain. “The fifth of November.”

“But why so long?!” said another. “Most great writers can crank out a book every month!”

“Relax,” said the Captain. He reached down and tore his pants off, then cast them to an assistant who would mend them. “We’re gonna settle in, take it easy, and do this thing the right way.”

A sea of blood churned beneath the ship. Huge mountains of dead fish towered overhead. Pinprick lights from the eyes of rabid dolphins blinked on the distant, black horizon. The Captain steeled his resolve, ordered that his tanning bed be cranked up to full power, then disappeared belowdecks.

Demonworld

Demonworld Book One now available for Kindle download at Amazon!

http://www.amazon.com/Demonworld-ebook/dp/B007TD9246/

Earth at the end of the Age of Capricorn

The first installment of an epic saga over ten years in the making is now available at Amazon for only three bucks (actually FREE if you go before the end of 4/17/2012). My first review said that it was like a cross between Lord of the Rings and Mad Max. Sounds good to me!

I’m going on a rampage trying to get the first seven books online within the next few weeks or months. It’s a fact that anyone who read advance copies loved the series, and the one person who hated it stood outside my house with a baseball bat, screaming obscenities and waiting for me to leave so that he could take my life in front of all my neighbors, which is a pretty good sign that Demonworld leaves no soul unaffected.

Now if I can just get Macaulay Culkin to play Wodi in the movie version…