Cloud Atlas: Formula for a Turd

One day I made the mistake of watching Cloud Atlas. I did this because I saw the trailer and thought the trailer was awesome. Not realizing that the trailer was a mishmash of formulaic horseshit designed to elicit an emotion from the viewer, I ended up feeling genuine surprise when, around hour four of this foot-long turd, I wanted to hunt down everyone associated with the production of this movie and put them so far deep in the ground that they would never be able to hurt us ever again.

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They went with “Everything is connected” only after the tagline “Everything is horseshit” was thumbs-downed by studio executives.

They went with “Everything is connected” only after the tagline “Everything is horseshit” was thumbs-downed by studio executives.

The Hunt for Demonworld Book 5

Captain Kyle B. Stiff stood at the prow of his futuristic warship while the crew rushed about, unsure of their roles or proper seating arrangement but still determined to find the fabled fifth Demonworld Book – Lords of the Black Valley.

One crew member approached the mad captain, who whirled on him dramatically. Captain Kyle B. Stiff was leathery beyond belief due to his frequent naps in the tanning bed while planning this endeavor. “Sir!” shouted the crew member. “When do you think we’ll find book five?”

“That’s easy!” said the Captain. “The fifth of November.”

“But why so long?!” said another. “Most great writers can crank out a book every month!”

“Relax,” said the Captain. He reached down and tore his pants off, then cast them to an assistant who would mend them. “We’re gonna settle in, take it easy, and do this thing the right way.”

A sea of blood churned beneath the ship. Huge mountains of dead fish towered overhead. Pinprick lights from the eyes of rabid dolphins blinked on the distant, black horizon. The Captain steeled his resolve, ordered that his tanning bed be cranked up to full power, then disappeared belowdecks.

Demonworld Book 4: Shepherd of Wolves – Now Available!

The prison explodes and Demonworld Book 4: Shepherd of Wolves walks out wearing a pair of sunglasses and does not bother to look back at the rising mushroom cloud that marked its birth. My charred body is flung to the ground with a bacon-wet SPLAT, and with my final breath I pray that this latest installment in the Demonworld saga will have mercy on the world.

Hooked on Demonworld? Well go on and get you a copy of the latest installment right here.

Works on your Kindle, works on your computer, works in every way imaginable.

Want to see how the amazing Demonworld saga begins, but don’t have the patience to wait for the movie version? Then click here.

Demonworld

Demonworld Book One now available for Kindle download at Amazon!

http://www.amazon.com/Demonworld-ebook/dp/B007TD9246/

Earth at the end of the Age of Capricorn

The first installment of an epic saga over ten years in the making is now available at Amazon for only three bucks (actually FREE if you go before the end of 4/17/2012). My first review said that it was like a cross between Lord of the Rings and Mad Max. Sounds good to me!

I’m going on a rampage trying to get the first seven books online within the next few weeks or months. It’s a fact that anyone who read advance copies loved the series, and the one person who hated it stood outside my house with a baseball bat, screaming obscenities and waiting for me to leave so that he could take my life in front of all my neighbors, which is a pretty good sign that Demonworld leaves no soul unaffected.

Now if I can just get Macaulay Culkin to play Wodi in the movie version…