Kyle B. Stiff Gets Robbed!

Don’t worry, this isn’t a post about how I’m getting “robbed” by not drowning in money from Demonworld sales. No, I’m writing this to let my precious readers know that Demonworld Six is going to face delays because my little hobbit house got broken into by a gang of meth-crazed goblins. Rich people live only a few blocks away, but I think the thieves could sense something amazing going on in my little hovel. Fortunately they didn’t find my computer (sometimes it pays to be paranoid), but they cleaned out just about everything else of value. Me and my wife are doing everything we can to move to a more secure location, which is no small feat when your budget looks like it’s about ready for an autopsy. I can already see that I’m not going to get a lot of writing done for the next couple of weeks. Forgive me, dear readers!

yukio mishima patriotism

But here’s how you can help. Just send money to… no, wait. Scratch that. If you really want to help, take the padlock off your reinforced gun cabinet. Dust off that old set of body armor you made so long ago. Put your superhero cloak on and hit the streets. Hit the streets HARD. Look for anyone walking around saying things like, “This Xbox 360 I stole is the greatest!” or “What kind of idiot hides his money in a jar with the rest of his loose change?” Take no prisoners, readers! Hunt them down! Let the world know what happens when you rob a poor writer and delay Demonworld Book Six!

Don’t you worry, dear readers. They better bring a bazooka if they want to put an end to Demonworld!

Demonworld: PERMAFREE

Holy hell, it looks like Demonworld finally went PERMAFREE on Amazon.

Believe me, this book will make your balls drop, it’ll put your eggs in the microwave, and from now on it won’t cost a DIME to light your Kindle on fire with this thing. If you like reading about monsters getting shotgunned to death or guys with ritually mutilated bodies or she-demons having sex with big lizard creatures but you don’t want to pay one single cent for any of it, or if you just want to hang out with a brutal mystic on a spiritual journey through what can only be described as Hell (a.k.a. Earth), NOW’S YOUR CHANCE. Just click HERE or HERE or even, God willing, HERE.

demonworld cover

Or you can get your hands on almost any of my writings HERE. Who loves you but me?

A Mind-Blowing Encounter with Synchronicities

By Kyle B. Stiff


I had an incredible series of synchronicities that was like a peek behind the curtain which revealed evidence of a Director in charge of this strange production we find ourselves acting in.


Some background: I listen to a lot of podcasts at work, mostly fringe theory or paranormal type stuff and a totally, totally grounding dose of video game news shows, too. One show called Hidden Experiences is all about some guy trying to come to terms with his life going off the rails of the mundane. He talks about synchronicities, so I’ve been thinking about them a lot.


One day while thinking on this matter, I started listening to an unrelated podcast while walking down a hallway, and it just so happened that my butthole started to itch really bad. I thought about walking to the bathroom to take care of things, but I’d already been fucking around and needed to get back to my desk, so I decided to risk scratching deep up in my crack right in the hallway. As I turned to make sure no one was behind me, somebody on the podcast I was listening to said, “I can’t live my life looking over my shoulder.” Now, that’s not the mind-blowing synchronicity that the title of this piece is referring to, but it certainly impressed upon me the nature of this wild and unbelievable stuff!


So anyway, the other day I was listening to Hidden Experiences and there was a discussion about the “playfulness” of synchronicities. According to the interviewee, it was almost as if some intelligent force was practically wanting to be seen.

When I got out of work and was walking to the bus stop, I listened to a video game podcast called Rebel FM, in which they discussed the new FORZA racing game and the new Xbox One. My mind drifted because I can’t get into racing games, so I thought about synchronicities. A strange impulse came to me; I wanted to see a synchronicity at that moment. It wasn’t like I was a “skeptic” with his arms crossed and his face puckered up saying, “Alright, let’s see this so-called phenomenon!” No, the impulse was stranger than that, both headstrong and dreamlike.

Anyway, as I leaned back against the bus stop shelter, someone on the podcast said, “… laid back.”

I thought that was pretty cool, but it didn’t exactly blow my hair back. It could just be a coincidence, right? Anyway, I smiled to myself, then thought, “Would it be possible to have another synchronicity?” Immediately some guy on the podcast said, “You can’t turn it on and off.”


Now I was really feeling it, riding on a wave that existed somewhere outside the norm. Sensing that the universe itself was looking directly at me, waiting to see what I would do, I wondered, “I know I’m pushing it, but how about something now?

At that moment someone on the podcast said, “You have to know how to actually play the game.”

Of course this was just too much. The idea that the universe was playing a game with me made me giddy, overwhelmed by a sense that the physical world was unreal or, at most, a sort of high-end video game constantly being patched and updated by its maker. I turned about on the sidewalk because I couldn’t sit still for this sort of thing, and as I moved the strange sense came upon me again. I was facing traffic and saw many oncoming cars, and at that moment the podcast said, “You see the people facing you are driving…”

The King of All Cosmos by pinakaguwaping on deviantart.

The King of All Cosmos by pinakaguwaping on deviantart.

Four of these things in a row – are you kidding?! I began laughing uncontrollably, and just then the podcast said (and I shit you not), “You’re laughing, and it sees the appreciation on your face…”

BLAM! Five demonstrations of inscrutable other-worldly machinations brought about by mixing two channels, all in a row!

I realize that a lot of you won’t be interested in this sort of thing. Until the dust gets knocked off your pineal gland by a few encounters with unbelievable strangeness, this sort of thing means nothing. For years and years I was a hardcore materialist, so I get that. But from where I’m sitting, it looks like the universe is totally A*L*I*V*E*!

*     *     *

King of All Cosmos by yiannisun on deviantart.

King of All Cosmos by yiannisun on deviantart.

Hey readers! If you like to see the veil of reality pulled aside, even if only temporarily, then be sure to check out my piece about Pee-wee’s Big Adventure and its basis in the tarot. That piece can surely suck a bowling ball through a garden hose!

You should probably check out my books, too. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now. I just recently released the second volume of Heavy Metal Thunder, which is called SOL INVICTUS.

Commence Operation: SOL INVICTUS

Or: Demonworld Five came out a year ago, what the hell have I been doing since then?!

By Kyle B. Stiff

Is it possible that the guy who can knock out a book in two months has had his thumb up his ass for an entire year?

No, of course it’s not possible.

hmt 2 cover small

One thing I did is write the second Heavy Metal Thunder book, which is now available at Amazon. Six hundred pages of branching-narrative choice-driven story for three bucks… you can’t beat that.


But it didn’t take me an entire year to write one book. Oh, no, not even close. I don’t fuck around when it comes to fucking around. See, I got this crazy idea in my head that I could illustrate my own cover for Heavy Metal Thunder Book 2. When I found out that my skills had gotten rusty, I didn’t give up (like I should have), but instead I expanded the scope of my plans to include illustrating every Demonworld and Heavy Metal Thunder cover on my own. I even had trouble sleeping at night because all these “amazing” ideas would blast into my head. But when it came time to produce, I kept failing and had to restart over and over again.


Plus I’m working full-time these days. Burning through free time to work on awful-looking covers instead of writing like I should have been eventually beat the snot out of my once-virile body. After several months of this nonsense I had a breakdown and woke up naked in a pile of dried spaghetti next to a wall covered in pentagrams and scratch marks (and all of my fingernails were completely torn off). I took off my sunglasses, reflected on the limits inherent in my current incarnation, and then decided that I would never, ever, ever spend one more second worrying about covers ever again.


So that’s why the cover of Sol Invictus is a recycled palette-swap of the first one. Sorry about that. But anyway, after months of torturing myself, I’m alive again. I’ve got a couple of blog posts to knock out, then I’m going to finally write Demonworld Book 6: The Love of Tyrants. It’s going to be longer than the average Demonworld book, plus I’ve got to spend most of my day polishin’ knobs just to survive, but I’m a freakin’ SOLJAH so the next Demonworld’s gonna be in your hands before you know it!



I Had a Blast at NORMAL-CON!

by Kyle B. Stiff

normal con

Just like the title says, I had a total blast at Normal-Con! For those of you who don’t know, the subculture of “normality” is getting bigger and bigger all the time, and Normal-Con is a celebration of that. Twenty years ago hardly anyone had ever heard of normal, but these days all kinds of people are dressing up like normal people and talking about the normalest things imaginable. I took some pics while I was there. Check it out!


As you can see, the place was packed with what can only be described as the most normal motherfuckers you will ever see!


Believe it or not, I got to meet Herman Longmember, inventor of the extremely popular “office humor” poster that shows a hamster drinking a cup of coffee and it says, “I can’t suck a cock until I’ve had my coffee!”


EVERYBODY was blown away by twelve-year-old Suzie Strokemember’s cosplay of an office alpha male!

IGA 2007 Conference-Blogging

I got to see a fascinating PowerPoint presentation on how to change font sizes. The techniques I learned work in practically any situation – whether you’re writing an email in the office, at home, or even at the beach!


This meeting took place in the hotel’s stadium-size bathroom. You can’t see it from this angle, but the two walls not pictured are lined with urinals (for number one) and doorless toilet stalls (for number two). I took this picture while in the middle of a sweaty forty-five minute battle with the twisted log I had jammed up in my guts!


“Why wait until the last minute to plan next year’s Normal-Con?” said prestigious board member Harry Cox. “Let’s go ahead and plan that fucker while we’re here so we won’t end up in each other’s shit over a bunch of stupid shit, you know what I mean?”

I couldn’t agree more, Mister Cox!


Here’s a picture of the super-prestigious founders of Normal-Con. Some of their suits might look a little iffy in terms of fashion, but believe me, dear readers, these people were at the height of normality in their time. Unfortunately attendance at the first Normal-Con was lower than expected because on the day Normal-Con opened its doors it just so happened that some guy down the street was trying to beat the Guinness world record for how many dicks he could fit in his mouth, so people were lining up around the block to see that. (In case you’re curious, he didn’t beat the record, but he was already the world record-holder so shit worked out in the end.)