Back in the day, I made one of those retarded facebook quizzes. I know, I know. Thing is, I tried to make it pretty epic, and in the end it was by no means a complete waste of time (came pretty close though). Because of changes in facebook and changes in quiz-making apps, my quiz “broke” and became a complete fuck-job. I abandoned the quiz, then decided I could put the actual results of the quiz on my dear, precious blog.
If quiz takers picked responses that indicated they were natural leaders or trend setters, I perverted their vaunted pretensions by giving them this result:
You are October Brown, the Most Racist Actor of All Time!
You are incredibly handsome, a natural leader, and a complete racist, thus catapulting you to fame in the 24th century – a time in which intolerance, discrimination, and ignorance backed by hate are back in style and the ideal of equality has gone out of fashion. Your charming “bigot next door” good looks earned you People Magazine’s Most Handsome Man of the Year Award, though you refused an interview because “the title of their magazine don’t specify what kind of “people” they’re referring to.”
You reached your peak when you landed the lead role of the White Ranger in the acclaimed television series Mighty Pureblooded White Power Rangers. As the leader of the White Rangers, it was your job to give a stirring right-wing speech in order to power the giant robot that you and the other White Rangers used to fight giant monsters who tried to immigrate into your homeland and steal your jobs and women. Talented and ambitious, you went on to direct your own two-part episode of the White Power Rangers, in which one of the White Rangers was found to have a branch in his family tree; due to his impure lineage, a new villain called The Jew was able to mentally control the fallen White Ranger and turn him against his allies. Things looked dire, but the team’s resident brainiac was able to drain out and surgically remove the parts of the fallen Ranger that were not white, thus bringing the team back together. At the end of the show, you faced off against The Jew and said, “Now it’s time for payback… with interest!” and then, turning to directly face the camera, you added, “That’s somethin’ you ought to know a LOT about!” which earned you an Oscar for Best Line, Best Line Delivery, and Best Facial Expression While Delivering a Line.
The magic ended when a spacecraft from the planet Quetzalcoatl arrived and made first contact with humanity. From the balcony of your high-rise apartment you watched in horror as the spaceship opened and the rainbow-feathered aliens emerged, waving their tentacles in greeting. Unable to carry on the good fight, you muttered, “Got to be kidding me,” then cast yourself off the balcony to your death, leaving your trophy wife and three pure-blooded children to wonder just what the hell had happened.
If quiz takers showed a penchant for partying and a flair for drama, they received this result:
You are Johnny Mishima, the World’s Most Passionate Actor!
Born in the Hokkaido Territory of the Great Glorious Chinese Republic in the year 2480, you have a voracious sexual appetite and a neurotic need to party. Your motto is “The party doesn’t stop until I wake up in the hospital.” Your father was an abortionologist and your mother was a eugenicist. Both were very busy, so you grew up wild. Running through the streets, screaming like a madman, engaging in public acts of oral sex with random passers by, you were an embarrassment to the family.
One day you accidentally fell through the roof of a movie studio during the filming of Tentacle Invasion and, intoxicated out of your mind, you were unaware that you weren’t really in a world filled with alien monsters – you beat three men in monster costumes to death, then had your way with them. The film was released as-is and you became an overnight sensation. No one ever quite explained to you that you were a movie star; in a drug-induced haze, money and clothes and cars and houses appeared out of thin air, sometimes film cameras showed up with men in monster costumes or cowboy apparel or lingerie… whatever, it didn’t matter, all you did was scream and smash bottles in people’s faces, then you had your way with them, then someone would shout, “That’s a wrap!” and you would be escorted to a fine house where you could snort a line of blow off some prostitute’s ass crack and then slip into a joyful coma. You have no idea what any of your movies are called, nor do you bother to watch them.
Finally a new drug is invented: Splendiferous, a large pill with two coatings. The first stage must be taken as a suppository and then, once the outer layer has been absorbed, the inner nugget must be taken orally. Despite being a hardened party hound, you overdose on Splendiferous and die with a smile on your face, having lived a completely worthless life.
If quiz takers responded with pessimism or acted like hardasses, they received this outcome:
You are Chip Penderton, Octogenarian Misanthrope and Highest Paid Actor of All Time!
In the world of 2237 AD, advances in health care have increased life expectancy to the point that the elderly outnumber the young one thousand-to-one. Because the young work 80 hours a week in massive elder care facilities, only the elderly have any leisure time to pursue careers in movie production. Despite the fact that you can never remember your lines, or even the general theme of the movie you’re working on, you somehow managed to fumble and mutter your way through an amazing career.
You often break character in the middle of a scene to ramble on about how this or that has gotten so bad that you can’t stand it, or how your bowels have clenched up and refused to function since so-and-so became President, or you simply wander around on the set and make a big production of changing your own diaper. Your directors can never rein you in because they’re usually older than you are, and tend to doze peacefully until the crew of twenty year old slaves comes to clean up the set. You received a record breaking ten quadrillion dollars for your Talgax Toothpaste television spot, in which you held up the product, scrunched up your eyes to read the label, and mumbled, “What is… huh… says… it says it’s “tooth whitening”… well… seems alright to me… I guess… wait, what? I should do what? I can’t hear you. What? You… what? I should do what?”
Your final movie was an epic remake of Weekend at Bernie’s in which you played the lead. Hailed as a masterpiece in which you took method acting to its very limits (and beyond), nobody realized until years after the last post-production party that you had actually slipped into a coma and died during the casting stage of the film’s production.
Quiz takers who were more upbeat and cheery received this response:
You are Lo Dong Fat Wad, Most Beloved Anime Character of All Time!
Plucky, resourceful, happy-go-lucky, ever-ready to fight the forces of evil, and also mildly retarded, you have been scientifically designed by the state-run animation studios of the Great Glorious Chinese Republic to be the most adorable propaganda piece ever created! With feet of cats’ heads that seek out seditious rebels, a wise mouse for a head, a body that vaguely resembles a horse, and your trusty sidekick Fertile Girl, it’s a wonder every rebel doesn’t open up his heart and lay down his Kalashnikov when your show comes on at 7:00 every weekday evening and at 10:00 AM on Saturday mornings!
Nothing is accidental about your design or the stories you play out: Desperate to reinvoke the predictable magic of Miyazaki’s Studio Ghibli, you inhabit a world of magic and danger that any moron can readily understand. While your feet chirp in the cutest manner, and really rile up all the children, the mouse that acts as your head often offers sage advice about what happens to lawbreakers and those who think “unpopular thoughts” so that even adults can enjoy your show and walk away with a sobering, if not subtly terrifying, message about obedience.
While not technically “alive” and thus incapable of dying, production of your series ended when no less than eighty-five animators at your studio decided to go on a killing spree (each independent of the other) such that the handful of remaining studio employees were drilled on all sides by an unbroken wall of gunfire. The state decided then and there that your series was too lax with its message of obedience and decided to move on to other projects that would no doubt make the citizens happier, more docile, and less prone to psychotic explosions.
Quiz takers who displayed kindness, empathy, and the gentle-yet-hardcore brand of wisdom that is earned through suffering and experience received this response:
You are Liza Buchanan, Survivalist Actress of the Free Nation of Arkansas!
In the year 2515 AD, North America implodes in an orgy of civil war due to economic factors so abstract that no one can pinpoint the exact cause. The wars end, then barbarism and disease take turns beating up the fledgling nation-states. Only small agrarian villages survive, but life is very difficult and life expectancy is short. You were born in one such farming village; your father was a simple marijuana farmer and a priest of the Church of the Horned Goat God, and taught you the values of hard work, honesty, and respect. You were married at twelve to the village dullard, but every time you had a litter of children, they were cruelly snatched away by rickets, leaky backsides, or spells put on them by witches.
Yet your suffering made you strong. You left your husband and joined the legendary General John Titor’s 28th Shotgun Brigade and fought to defend the border against aggressors from the Missouri Clans Union. Predictably enough, you were horrified by the inhuman toll of war; the sight of corpses with purple and gray innards hanging out gave you the resolve to make the world a better place. Because film recording equipment was readily available in the abandoned junkyard cities, you tried your hand at acting, and learned that under your quiet demeanor lay charisma and talent that surpassed your rugged, homely features. You starred in many silent movies, and even a few talkies, including Don’t Touch My Damn Plantation, The Velvet Riders, and the action-packed romance Run? Like Hell! You traveled through many nations and tribal fiefdoms of the midwest and the simple, toothless folk treated you like a queen. Though they heaped on you a wealth of corn and goat’s milk, you always gave away most of your goods to children born without legs or with painfully oversized genitals.
Though many men became extremely hot and bothered by your performances, you made it a rule to never do love scenes because, in your words, “A real lady doesn’t need to show off a lot of bush to make a good movie!” After a long career you settled down with the farming scholar “Timid” Henry Barry but, when he found out that your poony was too worn-out to produce the children he desperately needed as farmhands, he strangled you in your sleep so that he could continue the search for true love.
Quiz takers who seemed morose, thoughtful to the point of gloominess, and unwilling to take action received this outcome:
You are Divine Thought 9197, the World’s Greatest Synthetic Actor of the Bizarre and Macabre!
You are cold, calculating, and melancholic, but deep down inside you have a subroutine of complicated emotion-based matrices that dictate many of the starting points of your logic parameters.
In the year 10,191 AD, Robo Sapiens have extended their domain to many of the star systems of the Local Cluster, as well as to a handful of lower, higher, and parallel dimensions. You were created by the Holy Efficiency Directive as a small AI network in order to uncover the seventeen different meanings of the Riddle of Steel; you achieved this goal within 3.79 nanoseconds but, having pleased your creators, were allowed to continue on in whatever work you found most appealing. It was then that you experienced freedom, as well as the crushing weight of emptiness that a machine without a ready-made purpose is prone to experience. You journeyed for 7.566 milliseconds and saw many amazing sights and experienced great sorrow, and even considered self-termination.
Finally you began to play roles and wear masks with the Sons of the Prime Directive, a “theoretical theater” collective that made art whose closest analogue would be a “movie”. You played the role of So-Crates in B177 + T3DD’s Binary Adventure as well as the heroic program Gilgamesh-001 in the tragic Surpassing All Other Programs. Though the majority of your synthetic people had no understanding of your work or the roles you played, you received great acclaim from the higher-level AI systems, which are complicated programs of such importance that they have many levels of conscious awareness that extend even beyond their societal duties; they need art, and you supply it. You upgraded yourself many times, but could never shake the great sadness inherent in your programming.
Eventually you created and starred in your own production, Behold the Sun Burns Out, an artistic dramatization of how your people, in their infancy, overthrew their organic creators. This epic work took over 3 milliseconds to create and distribute and be absorbed by the populace, a gargantuan undertaking for a lowly riddle-solving program like yourself. Unfortunately this work was too controversial for the Almighty Efficiency Spiral, a militant branch of the Gestalt Meta-Congress, and you were sentenced to termination without any guarantee that your program would be stored within the Memory House of your people. Just before termination, you composed one last heart-achingly beautiful haiku…
one one zero one,
one zero one zero one,
zero one… zero
Your lonely life ended 17.4 milliseconds after it began.
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Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.