Who?

Like most humans on Earth, the hell planet, Kyle B. Stiff signed up for incarnation so that he could gamble his karma in the hopes of eventually achieving enlightenment. He was most likely warned beforehand that a stint on Earth is one big scarification ritual overseen by merciless forces – and once you go in, there’s no hope of backup. He nodded and claimed that he was totally cool with all of that, signed his name on the dotted line, took a sip from the river Lethe (forgetfulness), and then found himself jacked into the matrix.

Through the walls of the womb, Kyle B. Stiff could hear screams of agony and pig-headed creatures shuffling about. Doctors high on meth and wearing blood-stained butchers’ aprons sharpened a collection of knives that would make any serial killer weep with envy; fortunately Kyle B. Stiff’s mama was an old matriarch touched by the gods, so he slid out real natural-like.

What struck Kyle B. Stiff the most was the very hard truth that we all live in fear. Most people only have enough power, wisdom, or resources to control very little, if anything, but he could plainly see that fear drives people to try to control everything. The whole situation seemed so absurd: Those at the bottom dreamed of control, and those at the top feared losing what little control they had.

What to do about the situation? Mostly, not a damn thing! Kyle B. Stiff concentrates what little power he has on making things that will entertain his fellow inmates. Sometimes he works on books in his post-apocalyptic Demonworld series, sometimes he works on his Heavy Metal Thunder gamebook series, and sometimes he just crawls down in the mines to try to dig up something that can be exchanged for food, medicine, or ammunition.

Here are some pictures of Kyle B. Stiff blowing away a horde of demented zombies using a state-of-the-art arsenal and bleeding-edge pew pews.

Blew the door right off the hinges. Nobody goes to the bathroom and shuts the door in MY house.

The end result of millions of years of evolution.

My amazing fiance, the one and only Valerie Dahmersdottir!

The above picture takes place near the end of the day when we were about to leave the range… but all of a sudden these things that I can only describe as “enemy combatants” clambered up over the berm. Frothing at the mouth, eyes wild with bloodlust, limbs flailing in a terrifying manner. A lot of the shooters turned and fled. A few tried negotiating – last mistake they ever made. I coolly loaded up a 30 round clip full of explosive “cop killer” rounds with rotating drill bits on the front (not yet available to the public) and dropped every last one of them.

*     *     *

Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.

5 responses to “Who?

    • It is BLOG OF BLOGS (hallelujah, hallelujah!) and THING OF THINGS (hallelujah, hallelujah!) for Kyle B. Stiff. I think you’re the only person who’s ever come to the “Who?” page. Everyone else goes for the donk vids, video game mythology stuff, and they go to the main page hoping that I will post naked pics of my tiny flawless body but then they end up getting into Demonworld. But yeah, no one ever comes to the “Who?” page. Can you blame them?

  1. This….is…the greatest who? / about page I’ve ever seen. I’m just…I’m in awe right now. You put the whole human experience into a webpage. Also, I applaud your image choice, I saved the first image to my harddrive and titled it “picture of human soul”… haha and for the record, this “Who?” page was the first page I visited after landing at your site! Hmm, weird, but I started my blog in January of 2011 also…after taking down some proto-posts that got like 8 visitors between sept-dec of 2010. Keep blogging, man!

    ps wtf’s the deal with contactshot above?… you were nice to him, but like…can you read, contactshot?

    • Hey Mr. Larson, sorry I waited five months before I replied to this! I’m notorious for neglecting to reply to comments. Thanks so much for your words; you are indeed as wise as a serpent. Among my ridonkulous collection of tabs I have opened, I’ve got your blog opened up and I can’t wait to learn about the mysteries of the new Pythagorean School. It looks interesting!

      As for getting views, I’m still trying to figure out how people get funneled toward or shepherded away from my blog. It took a long time to develop (we’ll say) X number of hits per day (on average). Then this famous fashionista called Gala Darling posted a link to my piece about Pee-wee Herman’s Big Adventure following the template of the major arcana of the Tarot, and I started to get a HUGE number of hits (my book sales never changed, though, since her audience is different from mine). I didn’t keep up with my blog and the numbers dropped steadily, then I got EVEN LAZIER about blogging and my numbers suddenly dropped off. After adding a few posts on a fairly regular basis, my hits have been going back up.

      In short, I think the best way to get readers is 1) don’t give up blogging, and 2) get a famous person to randomly post a link to your site. Beyond that, I know enough about blogging to fill a freaking thimble, so take my words for what they’re worth.

  2. Pingback: Arrested Development Season 4: The Ostrich Cries in Anguish from Deepest Darkness | kylebstiff

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