Tony Stark is more than a whiny bitch in a sweet tin can, Iron-Man 3 is more than it seems, and this review may be more than a review. CLICK HERE to learn the senses-shattering truth about Iron-Man 3!
The Final Chapter in the Grand Theft Auto Fivology
By Kyle B. Stiff
Everyone’s really excited about Grand Theft Auto 5. How could they not be, considering the trailer? Three playable characters runnin’ around and raisin’ a shit storm – looks awesome, right?
Before ya’ll get too excited, let me remind you that the Grand Theft Auto 4 trailer was also mind-blowingly awesome. Do you remember it? Scene after scene showed Nico walking away from explosions, police cars flipping out of control while Nico threw his ride into reverse and tore down the highway like he was in Drive, leaning out of a building with a sniper rifle while the building was slowly falling over on its side, even a view from a 747 cockpit with the Twin Towers looming near while Nico in the pilot’s seat slowly turned to the camera and said, “Are you ready for this, America?”
But then what happened when you started playing? Nico landed in New York with little fanfare, then his brother was like, “Can you drive me around the block?” During the boring drive Nico hinted at having an interesting experience by saying something like, “I’m about balls-deep in some bad memories about the awful war I was in,” and then his brother was like, “Yeah yeah, that’s great, listen just hit these points on the map and then we’ll call this intro stage over and done.”
Throughout the rest of the game we are invited to pick up random losers and shoot a few random losers. There were a few memorable personalities (sadly Nico wasn’t one of them). At least the game had a great ending, right? Strangely enough, most of the “end reveal” type stuff was narrated by a character who was introduced for the comedy inherent in the fact that the player could not understand what he was saying. Hearing Nico speak with his Rastafarian buddy during the final drive was more than a little strange; it would have made more sense to have Nico say, “Who was doing what? Why was going where? Wait, slow down. Okay, nevermind, I’ll just drive in silence and try to figure this shit out my damn self.”
What’s going on with her upper half?! Is she going to be okay?!?
I like launching off of shit and going on a rampage as much as anyone, but for real, you guys: Excitement over a new Grand Theft Auto? Also, forgive me for the whiny rant. Normally I’m just grateful to be here. But I’ve been seeing people get excited about new Grand Theft Auto games for the past twenty years and, well… they’re not really that cool, are they?
Your Reward for My Victory
The ninth challenge in the Iron Writer contest ended in victory. I returned from the arena, carefully cleaned my weapons and returned them to their shelf, then strode off to the showers in dead silence. My servants congratulated one another as they took my armor, but when they looked at my face to see if it was flushed with victory, they saw only the blank serenity of one accustomed to crushing his opponents and who is already focused on the next battle.
If you want to check out the stories, they’re right HERE.
My official entry was the second story I wrote for the contest; I’ll post the first in this very blog post that you now hold in your hands. It has the same necessary set pieces: A loom, a sunken ship, a rollercoaster, and a pregnant camel. My first attempt was too long and shortening it would have been like wrestling a buttered goblin, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth a look.
Note that this superhero-themed story contains a bomb in a backpack, which was included unconsciously and may be so painfully pertinent in terms of current events that many readers might have considered it to be in poor taste. Oh well!
KISS OF THE MAN-SPIDER: FANTASTIC FIRST ISSUE! FEATURING… THE DEADLY CAMEL!
By Kyle B. Stiff
After Art proved to Rachel beyond a shadow of a doubt that Commander America could beat the Man-Spider in a one-on-one battle, she finally relented and agreed to introduce him to the old man that she was convinced was the real-life Padre Porter, the web-slinging crime-fighter also known as the Man-Spider. Despite his father’s insistence that the Man-Spider had saved his life years ago, Art was sure that an elaborate joke was being played on him.
“Alright,” Art said, “let’s go see this old fart you’re crushing on. But I have to be back by seven, or dad’ll be pissed.”
“I’m not ‘crushing’ on him,” Rachel said, still sulking. “In fact, he’s pretty gross.”
A hike through the neighborhood brought them to a dilapidated house tucked between overgrown foliage. Rachel entered without knocking. Art entered and was assaulted by the stench of post-game locker room and cigarette butts. He could hear wood knocking against wood and the sound of multiple conspiracy theory radio shows playing one on top of another.
Creepy Old House by havokforlife, found on deviantart dot com.
Once his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he saw an old man with thin limbs working an old-fashioned loom. He had wisps of long white hair, a shirt that doubled as a napkin, and his eyes were covered in shadow. It was difficult to see, but it looked as if the old man was pulling string from his pocket. Art wanted to turn and leave, but he was enchanted by the pale, shining tapestry strung across the loom.
“Padre Porter?” Art said, feeling a little foolish. “Did you, uh, retire from fighting crime to pick up weaving?”
“I never retired,” the old man said immediately. “My old costume no longer fits, but I still weave the fates of men. I still spin justice, boy.”
Art realized that the old man spoke around a thick wad of saliva that collected at the corners of his mouth and around his tongue. He was further repulsed to see that the string stuck to his fingers as if his hands were coated in jelly or syrup.
“I guess I thought you were just a comic book character.”
“The greater part of reality you see only as a shadow. Did you know that Aleister Crowley, grand magister of the new age, was the inspiration for Professor Javier, leader of the Ex-Men, in your comic books? He taught us how to become more than human. He gave us our true names and turned us into supermen. But I can see that you, Camel, have brought me a gift in your backpack.”
Art was about to argue that not only was he not wearing a backpack, he also had nothing to do with the b-list super-villain whose lame power was the ability to go without water for weeks at a time. But when he reached behind himself he realized that he was, in fact, wearing a heavy backpack.
“Surprised?” said Padre Porter. “It’s a bomb, no doubt. You’re a victim of mind control sent by the Revengers to kill me. But mind control is such a fickle thing, isn’t it? Anyone can say the correct keywords to activate programming. For example: Rollercoaster.”
Art was struck by intense nausea. He felt as if he was teetering over the edge of a precipice and would fall at any moment. He crashed to his knees.
“Why have you come?” said Padre.
Art heard himself speaking. “Pregnant Camel comes across the wasteland to give birth to an explosion. We’ll kill you… just like we killed your syphilitic master.”
Art felt hands pull his backpack away. He could not resist. He saw men and women standing over him. Their faces were dead, their eyes were black and empty, and they carried automatic rifles and handguns.
Padre paused and leaned over his loom. His eyes were also black and dead. “I can’t do the work on my own anymore. My children are my hands and eyes now. Their thoughts are my thoughts.”
“Freedom fighters?” Art forced out the words. “They look like terrorists!”
“They’re the good guys. And you will be, too, once you reveal the location of your handler’s headquarters.”
Art clamped his mouth shut, but then heard himself say, “The museum, the sunken ship display. It’s the entrance to Titan IC. We call it Titan-99.”
“Rachel… Arachne, go and lead the others. Go and kill this man’s father, Commander America, just as I should have done so long ago.”
The superheroes filed out of the door silently. Still frozen in place, Art listened as Padre, the Man-Spider, explained that his fate would be rewoven as a bringer of justice. The old man returned to his loom and the shining tapestry and Art was horrified to see that he was pulling fresh string not from his pocket but from a grotesque opening on his lower belly.
THE END.
* * *
Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.
The Iron Writer: Challenge 9: Time to Vote!
The ninth round of Iron Writer stories are up! Not only can you see Kyle B. Stiff’s deadly battle against three other writers, you can even vote for your favorite story! That’s right, it’s not the fighters in the arena who make the outcome, as our moves and attacks are deemed by fate… instead, it’s the cheers of the crowd that determine victory or defeat!
Just go HERE and check out the contestants. All four stories are about five hundred words – that’s a mere single page of text – and each is hamstrung from the get-go by having to include four random set pieces. This challenge’s set pieces are a pregnant camel, a loom, a rollercoaster, and a sunken ship. Only a master could weave these four unrelated things into one cohesive narrative… and it’s up to you, the readers, to choose who will wear the crown and who will be buried in a shallow ditch where the arena’s toilets are dumped out biannually.
Believe It Or Not: Tolkien Wrote Post-Apocalyptic Fiction!
What do elves and swords and giant spiders have to do with post-apocalyptic fiction? Find out in this mind-blowing piece by Kyle B. Stiff!
What does Frank Herbert’s Dune have to do with modern conspiracy theory?
Many, many connections are made between the seemingly disparate subjects of Frank Herbert’s classic science fiction masterpiece and the world of modern conspiracy theory when Kyle B. Stiff, a conspiracy theorist nutjob extraordinaire, is on the case. Humor his deluded ass and take a look at the ravings of a failed Kwisatz Haderach by clicking here.
Art by Bill Sienkiewicz.
Not All Indiana Jones Movies Are Equal
By Kyle B. Stiff
I’ve heard a lot of people say that they love the Indiana Jones movies. Being childhood favorites of mine, I decided to watch them again as an old person. I was shocked to the core to learn that the first Indiana Jones movie is completely different from its sequels. In terms of tone and feel, it’s completely unrelated!
When I re-watched the first movie, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, I was surprised to learn that it was an action movie that an adult could watch without being embarrassed if another adult caught him watching it, and children could also enjoy it IF we keep in mind the idea that children aren’t fragile, impressionable creatures that need to be protected from disturbing images or else they run the risk of becoming full-on psychopaths. The later movies, however, are children’s movies.
We have this idea that Indiana Jones is always swinging from ropes and shooting load-bearing posts that cause heavy objects to fall on bad guys without killing them, but all of that cartoony nonsense comes from the later movies. In the first movie, Dr. Jones shoots a guy in the face. He doesn’t swing around a rope tied to a chain looped around a giant gear that somehow makes a non-fatal mound of shit fall on some dufus in a uniform; no, his special move in the first movie is to point a revolver at some guy, pull the trigger, and slam a hot one into his skull. It’s not “clever” at all, which is good because Hollywood needs less clever and more awesome. The only time Dr. Jones approaches being clever in Raiders is when he tricks an opponent who physically outmatches him into getting his face whipped off by a spinning propeller. It’s not cute… but it’s something I can get behind.
“You have problem with cute?”
(Note: The scene in question happens when Dr. Jones returns to the Tibetan bar and finds it full of Nazis torturing the woman that he illegally impregnated when she was like fourteen (way to go Indy!). I was most definitely not referring to the famous scene with the sword-swinging ding-bat that Indy kills with one shot.)
The first movie focuses on the Ark of the Covenant. Could a better ancient artifact have been chosen by the writers even if their lives depended on it?! Even the handful of viewers who don’t understand the power behind the myth of the Ark are brought up to speed in an incredible scene with slowly building tension and creepy music in which Dr. Jones explains to some military dudes exactly how dangerous this object is, and how it’s cloaked in secrecy and historical amnesia in an attempt to hide the horror behind its existence. Now, after considering all that… just what was the artifact in the sequel? Does anyone remember? Does anyone care?
There are lots of tonal changes in Raiders that engage the emotions just like any great song or story. In between scenes of Dr. Jones beating the shit out people with his bare hands, there are scenes with characters interacting in non-comical ways (in the later films all character interaction is there for the sake of comic levity) in which people discuss the gravity of the forbidden object they are searching for. There are also lots of dark scenes in which the world seems to be moved by frightening supernatural forces. Remember when Dr. Jones’s team is digging in some desert location and we see the sky become like something out of a nightmare? Scenes like that are powerful not only because they force us to emotionally consider the horrific underpinnings of reality, but those scenes also show that the film’s makers don’t assume that the audience is a mob of idiots who completely fall asleep when they see anything other than people jumping around or crashing into things at high speeds.
The later films have none of that. They are metronomes that gravitate between dipshit hijinks and people running around and falling off of stuff. And I suppose everyone’s on the same page about the last movie, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, being awful. I felt sorry for Harrison Ford; even in the movie poster he seemed worn out, and looked as if he was hoping that he would be allowed to sit down for a few minutes after his photo-shoot. Of course it makes sense to revisit the theme of ancient aliens that the first movie touched on, but unless it’s filmed with the same slow and altogether-alien feel of something crazy like 2001: A Space Odyssey, I can’t imagine how a bunch of old people and kids riding in a refrigerator could possibly have seemed like it was going to add anything to the series even as an idea, much less a thing that had been filmed on accident and had to be marketed and sold if only to cover the cost of the mistake itself.
“I’m tired and I want to sit down!”
As a fellow old person, you’re completely entitled to go back and watch Raiders of the Lost Ark again. You’ll be surprised to realize that the makers of the film didn’t utterly despise your existence and crave only your wallet’s innards. Just do yourself a favor and let the later installments in the series gather dust.
Hey readers! If you liked this post, you should check out some of my books. I’ve got an epic series called Demonworld, which is equal parts Mad Max and Lord of the Rings (think “science fantasy”), and a much-loved gamebook series called Heavy Metal Thunder which is currently a hyperlinked Kindle book but will be a fancy phone app any day now.
